Dear Reader,
As an underclassman, I used to hate being dateless on Valentine’s Day.
To be fair, it’s bound to put a damper on the month — other than chocolate being 75% off, there’s little to celebrate in February, especially if you’re on your own, surrounded by smiling couples who seem to be much happier than you. Yet, when I look back on it with a new, enlightened perspective, I’m able to realize just how much of my time was wasted on wishing I were one of them.
For years, I felt like I was missing out on something when I watched rom-coms like “When Harry Met Sally.” Throughout freshman and sophomore year, I watched my friends get into relationship after relationship as I perpetually remained the odd one out, and it was easy to believe that being with someone would cure all my loneliness and feelings of unworthiness, especially while sad or heartbroken. Once, a friend even suggested that I “lower my standards” to make it easier for myself to find someone (needless to say, they’re no longer a friend).
But as a senior who’s grown plenty since then through good and bad experiences with life and love, I find myself wishing someone had told me what I’ll tell you now: the most important relationship you’ll ever have throughout high school, as cliché as it sounds, is with yourself.
Healthy relationships can be incredibly fulfilling and positive, but only once you’ve developed a sense of self first. Yes, it’s difficult, complex work, but much like a character arc in any good rom-com, it’s incredibly important. The ages between your first and final year of high school are full of character-defining moments that make you into the person you become, and it’s easy to attach too much of your identity to someone you’re involved with when you haven’t fully understood who you are on your own yet. A relationship that’ll serve you well is one where you’re free to be exactly who you are without judgment or apology, and it’s difficult to find it when that’s not a concept you have a solid grasp on. After all, there’s a reason it took Harry and Sally twelve years to end up together!
Another benefit to knowing who you are is that no one can tell you otherwise. Getting involved with a toxic partner isn’t an infrequent occurrence, especially at this stage of life (I remember talking my friends through quite a few ugly fights and tearful breakups), and they’ll often try to slowly chip away the pieces of yourself that you do understand over time. It’s much easier to identify when that’s happening if you’re already comfortable in your identity, and you’re that much less likely to look for validation in the wrong places.
Plus, you’ll have a better perception of what qualities you need in a romantic relationship. Believe me, I’m much more confident and clear about my priorities and goals than I was a few years ago, and consequently, I’m better-equipped to look for someone who’ll support me in them. Some of the most memorable aspects of “When Harry Met Sally” are the trade-offs they had to make to be with one another and the ways in which they had to grow and change as people to accommodate their relationship. While the phrase “you can’t love someone until you love yourself” is definitely overused and often referenced in the wrong contexts, it’s true that you’re far more likely to find the right match for yourself when you know what you’re willing to compromise on and what you aren’t.
So if you’re by yourself this Valentine’s Day, remember just how many years are ahead of you, how much you’re bound to discover about yourself. The right person will arrive at the right time — but until then, remind yourself that your friends who’ve been together since seventh grade are the exception, not the rule, and focus on becoming a person you’re proud of.
Best of luck,
Mahika
