The Wildcat Tribune

Tech companies write an open letter to alleviate your unfounded fears

Oce Bohra, Copy Editor

November 23, 2018


Filed under Satire

Tech companies have faced a lot of flak recently, but here’s their take on why all that criticism is unfounded.

The true horror this Halloween

The true horror this Halloween

Sheyda Ladjevardi, Assistant Photography Editor

November 1, 2018


Filed under Satire

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you might want to sit down for this. I know that it can be difficult to break certain habits, and this will be no exception, but I think it’s time for you to know this: Stranger Things will not be released this fall. Now before you start rolling yourself into a...

The perks of being alone on Valentine’s Day

Caroline Lobel, Arts and Entertainment Editor

March 8, 2018


Filed under Satire

“I am alone by choice,” says local man, covered in cheese puffs, ice cream and tears. “I could get a date at any time.” he claims, wearing a “Women Belong in the Kitchen” t-shirt. Every year, millions of Americans spend Valentine’s Day by themselves, and it’s highly likely you’...

Valentine’s Playlist

Elisa Fang, Editor-in-Chief

March 8, 2018


Filed under Satire

Creep When you invite your S.O. over to your home for the first time, this song is your best bet at setting the mood and paving the path for the progression of your relationship. Let them know that you're into really, really, really good music and stare deeply into their eyes so that fact really settle...

Things our editor wanted to satirize but can’t because they’re real

All of the stories in this column are entirely true

November 30, 2017


Filed under Satire

Liberals can’t believe that one of their presidents, Bill Clinton, was a purported sex offender as well. - The Atlantic (Caitlin Flanagan)   “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be his fr...

Are you celebrating the destruction of an ancient civilization of natives in order to further eurocentrism? It’s more common than you might think.

James Smith, White Person

November 30, 2017


Filed under Satire

Every year, millions of Americans, whose ancestors so bravely conquered every continent for exotic spices, sit down to eat the blandest food known to man. This ritual is known as Thanksgiving. It’s a time of celebration, a time to remember the peace-loving festival of the first Americans. Squanto,...

In the throes of democracy

In the throes of democracy

October 26, 2017


Filed under Satire

‘Kardashians’ 10th anniversary proves just how vital their lives are to our lives

‘Kardashians’ 10th anniversary proves just how vital their lives are to our lives

Armaan Rashid and Sraavya Sambara

October 26, 2017


Filed under Satire

One fateful day, 10 years ago, a cultural revolution was born. On Oct. 14, 2007, the first episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” premiered on E!, where it would guide American culture for the next decade. Ten years on, the legacy of “Kardashians” is felt throughout American society. I...

It’s time to hunker down and build that wall

Bill D. Whol

May 17, 2017


Filed under Satire

BUILD A WALL! It’s the only true solution. I’m tired of these bad hombres entering California, corrupting our systems. Lazy, dependant on welfare. We speak English in America! We are building a wall to “keep our country safe.” The California-American border needs a wall to keep these people...

Alternative learning: new ways to cheat on tests

Natalie Rubio-Licht and Vikram Balasubramanian

May 17, 2017


Filed under Satire

Student at Dougherty Valley have some of the worst sleep schedules ever. The balance of sleep, social life, and academic responsibilities are out of whack. Students are turning into zombies after staying up until 4:30 am to cram in that last bit of information in before their A period tests. Thankfull...

EPA declares D.C. swamp too large to drain

Vikram Balasubramanian, Opinions Editor

May 17, 2017


Filed under Satire

Breaking (Not) News— The EPA has recently ruled that the DC swamp cannot be drained. President Trump campaigning hard on cleaning up the slime and trash that walks all over Washington D.C. A spokesman for the EPA stated, “These reptiles are an essential part of the D.C. ecosystem — removing...

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