The Perks of Being Alone on Valentine’s Day
Caroline Lobel, Staff Writer
March 8, 2018
Filed under Satire
“I am alone by choice,” says local man, covered in cheese puffs, ice cream and tears. “I could get a date at any time.” he claims, wearing a “Women Belong in the Kitchen” T-shirt. Every year, millions of Americans spend Valentine’s Day by themselves, and it’s highly likely you’...
Valentine’s Playlist
March 8, 2018
Filed under Satire
Creep When you invite your S.O. over to your home for the first time, this song is your best bet at setting the mood and paving the path for the progression of your relationship. Let them know that you're into really, really, really good music and stare deeply into their eyes so that fact really settle...
Things our editor wanted to satirize but can’t because they’re real
All of the stories in this column are entirely true
November 30, 2017
Filed under Satire
Liberals can’t believe that one of their presidents, Bill Clinton, was a purported sex offender as well. - The Atlantic (Caitlin Flanagan) “Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be his fr...
Are you celebrating the destruction of an ancient civilization of natives in order to further eurocentrism? It’s more common than you might think.
James Smith, White Person
November 30, 2017
Filed under Satire
Every year, millions of Americans, whose ancestors so bravely conquered every continent for exotic spices, sit down to eat the blandest food known to man. This ritual is known as Thanksgiving. It’s a time of celebration, a time to remember the peace-loving festival of the first Americans. Squanto,...
Notable Opinions: Barron Trump, the Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse & DV students
October 26, 2017
Filed under Satire
‘Kardashians’ 10th anniversary proves just how vital their lives are to our lives
Armaan Rashid and Sraavya Sambara
October 26, 2017
Filed under Satire
One fateful day, 10 years ago, a cultural revolution was born. On Oct. 14, 2007, the first episode of “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” premiered on E!, where it would guide American culture for the next decade. Ten years on, the legacy of “Kardashians” is felt throughout American society. I...
It’s time to hunker down and build that wall
May 17, 2017
Filed under Satire
BUILD A WALL! It’s the only true solution. I’m tired of these bad hombres entering California, corrupting our systems. Lazy, dependant on welfare. We speak English in America! We are building a wall to “keep our country safe.” The California-American border needs a wall to keep these people...
Alternative learning: new ways to cheat on tests
Natalie Rubio-Licht and Vikram Balasubramanian
May 17, 2017
Filed under Satire
Student at Dougherty Valley have some of the worst sleep schedules ever. The balance of sleep, social life, and academic responsibilities are out of whack. Students are turning into zombies after staying up until 4:30 am to cram in that last bit of information in before their A period tests. Thankfull...
EPA declares D.C. swamp too large to drain
Vikram Balasubramanian, Staff Writer
May 17, 2017
Filed under Satire
Breaking (Not) News— The EPA has recently ruled that the DC swamp cannot be drained. President Trump campaigning hard on cleaning up the slime and trash that walks all over Washington D.C. A spokesman for the EPA stated, “These reptiles are an essential part of the D.C. ecosystem — removing...
The Lunch Room: “Nutrition—It’s what we do!”
Amanda Su and Karen Wang
February 28, 2017
Filed under Satire
Amateur food reviewers Amanda Su and Karen Wang, after tackling Persimmon Place and Homeroom Mac ‘n’ Cheese, take on their biggest challenge yet: The DV Lunch Room. If you’re hungry during lunch time at Dougherty Valley, any local foodie will point you to Berkeley, then San Francisco, then...