“It’s all any of us wants, to find a nice person to hang out with till we drop dead.”
Just like Lorelai Gilmore, we all yearn for something special, whether that be connection, clarity, romance, friendship or even just a sense of belonging and connection. Trying to find comfort in every room I was in, I realised how much I wanted that for myself. I’m not even talking about having a boyfriend, I just mean the pure, genuine feeling of belonging where I feel like I’m part of the bigger picture and not just a small keg in a big wheel.
There are times when we, as a society, obsess over having a romantic relationship that we forget that romance isn’t all there is to living a fulfilled life. Sure, it can be fun, but you could also end up with a guy like Jeremiah and live a sad life with lots of raspberry coulis cake who is constantly yearning for someone other than you. On the other hand, romance could be a great way to distract yourself from your daily life and give you something to look forward to apart from seeing your friends and working, but yearning doesn’t have to be limited to just romance.
After all, it’s not meant to be like the movies. It can be, but for me, it has always been more about the passion and freedom to love whoever you want. Whether it be romantically or platonically, the idea of having company in your life seems exhilarating. The rush of just knowing you have someone by your side is an exciting concept in itself, as I absolutely adore the idea of community and connection.
Yearning, by definition, is often mistaken for obsession or infatuation, but instead, it’s the epitome of the highlighted parts of being emotionally patient, waiting your turn and being open to staying connected with the people you love, both platonically and romantically. However, as we progress deeper into the 21st century, according to the Pew Research Center, people are very much into the idea of quick, easy access type relationships and opportunities, or not to be in a relationship at all. The effort is now something that people rarely want to do and leads to increased amounts of low-effort relationships with more unhappy individuals.
For that reason, when we see pop culture role models like the dynamic between Jeremiah and Belly in “The Summer I Turned Pretty,” seeing one of them put in more effort than the other made our own realities seem normal, as there was proof of it happening in the media we watch. The lack of effort in a relationship also indicates the lack of respect and support towards the other person, preventing one from feeling any sort of yearning type feeling towards the person they once loved.
In movies like “It Ends With Us,” toxic relationship dynamics such as these are glorified in the name of yearning. The creators make it seem like it’s okay to stay with a partner no matter what the circumstances are, fueling the negative aspects of yearning in the modern world. In fact, people argue that yearning brings out feelings of desperation and increases mental health issues as their mind refuses to let go of someone who isn’t right for them. According to a TedTalk by award-winning relationship and wellness journalist Amanda McCracken, “longing for someone keeps you from having a healthy relationship.” Though this might be true in some cases, it’s important to yearn as it builds character and ensures you are able to express emotions to the fullest extent and not feel embarrassed over showcasing them heavily. Emotions are meant to be felt, and yearning allows you to do just that.
Whether you yearn or not, there are other factors that keep you from healthy relationships, so yearning is a valid enough risk to take as a way to stay in tune with yourself and what you want for yourself. Additionally, if done with elements of caution, bringing back yearning could be one of the best things to do. It would restore the concept of true love and community, creating a connection with each other and ourselves again.
