Is it just me, or has everyone been feeling… a little down, lately?
The gloom of a wet and rainy spring seeps into our bones, the tumultuous tides of an uncertain political climate leave us anxious and adrift and therapy has never looked more expensive. Well, you know what’s cheaper than therapy? A manicure.
We at the Wildcat Tribune are firm believers in the power of a good nail treatment to fix any and all problems. Had a breakup? Do your nails. Crashed your car? Do your nails. UV light exposure from getting too many gel manicures meant you got cancer? Do your nails.
Nonetheless, not just any look will do, especially not in a year such as this. Melancholia is in the air, Apocalypse is in the zeitgeist. Our personal style, the beautiful image we show the world for the split second anyone spends looking at your hands, needs to express the turmoil we experience within. So sharpen your talons, everyone: it’s time to soar into the bloody, smoke-streaked sunset.
We begin, as we always must, with a classic. Think the French tip will never come back around? Think again. The French tip is life. The French tip is forever. The French tip returns to our social media feeds again and again (it’s an accurate predictor of each occasion when France will obtain a new prime minister). The French tip is God. Who cares if it makes your delicate fingers look like overgrown claws? Claw away.
If that’s just not your thing, there are plenty of other styles that maintain the minimalist look, minus the criticism and controversy. You could simply go for a nude look, after all. Try a sophisticated gray lacquer. Black polish would be my next suggestion… if you’re, like, a seventh-grader living in 2021 somewhere.
No, better to stick with less gauche options. White! White nails! White nails are excellent. I’d recommend a cream coat or perhaps an elegant eggshell hue. Maybe even CLOUD DANCER WHITE??? [The rest of this paragraph has been censored and redacted. Great job “avoiding criticism and controversy.” Huh? That’s an oops on our end].
Alright, alright. If you feel the need to retreat, overwhelmed, after that last round of suggestions, you’re not alone. The human desire to flee to the woods is eternal, transcending decades and technological norms. Embrace those urges and choose a Bambicore print for your next nail look. May the whimsical spots of a newborn fawn bring you joy every time you glance down at your nails.
When your life gets hard, we all need a little bit of nature in our lives. It’s nice to be reminded of that essential fact, to look at your own hands and picture a pleasant walk in the forest. A pleasant walk in the dark forest. The deep, dark forest. The deer is watching you. The deer with the glowing red eyes is watching you. The deer is watching you. The deer is watching you and watching and watching…
You know what? Let’s put that little bit of manifestation aside for now. Nature sucks. Don’t mess with nature.
On the opposite end of the spectrum, it might be time to try magnetic nails. No, the nails themselves aren’t magnetic (although, come to think of it, that’s a great idea with zero potential negative consequences). You merely use incredibly powerful and dangerous magnets to make complicated designs in metallic wet polish. It may irreversibly damage and disrupt any medical technology you happen to wear. Do you care?
If that isn’t high-tech enough for you, nail-mounted cameras are bound to be a hit this AP exam season. Your teacher took your burner phone when you tried to photograph the test in their class? Your teacher took your regular phone when you tried to photograph the test? Your spy-pen, spy-pencil, spy-glasses, spy-eraser, spy-waterbottle, spy-paper, spy-hat, spy-sweatshirt, spy-desk, spy-exam, spy-classroom or spy-paperclip got confiscated? Well, the powers that be can’t very well confiscate your nails, can they?
Not only can your nails help you and your friends’ grades (more or less – don’t get caught), they can also help build your future wealth. Bitcoin-mining, data-thieving, social-media-linked AI nails are bound to be the hot new product in the next few years. How do your shiny new acrylics mine bitcoin? Don’t ask. Don’t worry about it. Don’t listen to anything they tell you, either.
Not your thing? There’s always ol’ reliable: never painting your nails in the first place. Never trimming your nails in the first place! Grow them out into jagged claws, bloody from scratching at the walls and screaming. You won’t have time to doomscroll if you enter feral mode. Sometimes no style is the best style, you know?
And if all else fails, garbage-fire orange is the new black.
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