Well, folks, it’s happened. The powers that be have been defeated! The armies of Big Pharma have been vanquished! Now, the new powers that be, our lord and savior, RFK Jr. and his allies, have arrived to dish out the truth. Vaccines… give our children autism. Or the woke mind virus? Or something?
Now they’re rolling back recommendations for a variety of inoculations. Soon, insurance companies may not even have to cover vaccines anymore. This absolutely will NOT cause another pandemic. Nope! Not all! But just in case, I, a highly trained, extremely licensed medical expert who dropped out of chiropractor school, am here to guide you through the most reliable medical advice to avoid getting sick this flu season. Let’s hook up to the emergency-room IV and dive in!
- Mask
If you want to, I guess, you liberal wimps.
- Change your diet
Reduce your intake of biological macromolecules immediately. I don’t know what on Earth a “molecule” is, but it sure sounds dangerous! Avoid them at all costs, which should be easy. Especially if you’re one of the 2 million people who now risk losing access to food stamps due to the Trump administration’s SNAP cuts.
- Improve your gut bacteria
Go find bacteria. EAT THEM. Bacteria are great. Lick the floor, lick the toilet, get those nice healthy bacteria into your gut. Your gut will thank you! Think of all those nice gut bacteria you’re getting.
- Herd immunity
If all of the above suggestions sound like a lot of work (we don’t blame you), there’s a much easier solution: just let the weak suffer! Everyone else can just … get sick so that you don’t have to. You don’t deserve to get sick. Don’t think too hard about whether or not THEY deserve to, though.
- Inject bleach
Thank you, Donald Trump, oh glorious leader, for that particular tip (how the time has flown). No Tylenol around here, just bleach. If you want to use up all that spare poison without becoming infected with autism or wokeness, use it to dye your hair! You won’t have any spare bleach left after that, anyway.
- Stay home from school
This is a simple, easy and low-risk option. Miss school, not because you are sick, but because you don’t want to be there. Don’t worry, this won’t hurt your grades or social engagement, because you’re already taking all your classes through BYU anyway. Your schedule is flexible, and you can cancel your entire life on a whim. Congratulations!
- Drop out of school
You can be just like me! You don’t need a chiropractor certification to have a good life, or a high school diploma, or a GED, even. Your mom’s basement will always be there for you.
- Drop out of society
Stock up on canned goods and bottled water, and retreat to your bunker in rural Idaho. You knew this day was coming, after all. Guard your position with attack dogs, laser cannons and at least one tank (or a Cybertruck, which of course, serves the same function). If you can withstand multiple nuclear blasts at close range, burrowed away a mile underground, you can definitely avoid getting the flu.
- Just die already
No explanation given or necessary. Zero chance of developing illness with this one!
- Get sick, I guess
Feel terrible. Watch your nose clog up with gunk, your lung capacity suffer, your quality of sleep plummet. Watch your grades go down even faster than your mood. Push through school day after school day: you wish you could go home and sleep, but you can’t go home, much less sleep. Infect your colleagues and neighbors. Hide from your elderly grandparents, terrified your illness will spread and kill them. Hide from your baby cousins, for the same reason.
Wake up the next morning feeling even worse. Shell out thousands of dollars at the local urgent care for medication. Strain America’s already-teetering public and private healthcare systems. Have a really, really awful November.
So that’s our extremely sound and credible medical advice! Remember, everyone: common sense and the entire American medical establishment are your enemies, but magical thinking is your friend. Also, if you do die, let us know! That way, we don’t have to pretend that we saved you hospital space.
