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The Wildcat Tribune

The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

Subject to Change: SelfBetter, the app that is now illegal

Pranav Patel-Singh with his app, SelfBetter. // OpenAI’s DALL-E.
Pranav Patel-Singh with his app, SelfBetter. // OpenAI’s DALL-E.

In a world obsessed with constant improvement, where achieving your best self is a societal mandate, one app stands out from the plethora of self-help nonsense. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the age of SelfBetter – the app that promises instant self-improvement.

Introducing the mastermind behind the chaos, Pranav Patel-Singh, a sophomore at Dougherty Valley. Once a student so adept at acing exams that they had to invent new grades like A++++, Patel-Singh found himself standing at the crossroads of academia with 24 weighted courses and fifteen internships under his belt, leaving people wondering if he was collecting qualifications or Pokémon.

After realizing that his extensive academic arsenal still left him in the dark about life’s grand plan, Patel-Singh, fueled by a potent mix of caffeine and existential dread, birthed the audacious brainchild known as the SelfBetter app. Because, let’s be honest, nothing screams self-improvement like doing your calculus homework while expertly juggling flaming bowling pins and eating spiders. It’s the kind of epiphany you have when you’ve had one too many espressos and not enough career counseling.

Thanks to Patel-Singh’s brainchild, the once orderly hallways of DV have become obstacle courses, as classrooms now play host to impromptu theater performances, and school assemblies look more like scenes from a circus tent. The entire high school landscape has essentially morphed into a chaotic spectacle more so than before. 

Meet Ram Kumar, a freshman at DV. Watch in amazement as he takes on challenges that make tightrope walking seem like a walk in the park. From reciting pi to the 1000th digit while riding a unicycle to dazzling us with interpretive dance moves for calculus equations – Kumar does it all. Sure, his social life may be taking a nosedive, but hey, he can now solve derivatives in a while dancing in heels. Genius or madness? Kumar himself admits, “My parents think I’m insane, my friends think I’m a genius. I just think I need some sleep and a tiara.” Ah, the profound wisdom that comes with extreme self-improvement.

As parents everywhere witness their offspring engaging in seemingly perilous feats, panic ensues.

The app’s point system, meanwhile, ushers in a social hierarchy that’s more surreal than a Salvador Dalí painting. Those who conquer the most ludicrous challenges ascend to the ranks of high school royalty. Imagine the kid who flawlessly recites all the songs from “Hamilton the Musical” on a pogo stick, becoming the undisputed prom king – a title no one saw coming, but one that now sits atop the throne of absurdity. It’s like the Oscars but with more unicycles and fewer red carpets.

As the challenges in SelfBetter soar to heights that even the most enthusiastic participants find downright eyebrow-raising, a collective sense of self-reflection blankets the nation. The once-lauded app now faces scrutiny on a national level, provoking a profound questioning of life choices among its users.

The wave of concern surges beyond casual chatter, reaching the hallowed halls of the Supreme Court of Justice. After careful consideration and perhaps a raised eyebrow or two, the highest legal authority in the land has delivered its verdict – SelfBetter is now deemed illegal. The gavel has spoken, marking the end of an era for an app that once promised the moon but left users contemplating the sanity of reciting Shakespeare while engaging in cartwheels.

In the wake of this legal pronouncement, a hushed anticipation lingers. What does this mean for the zealous participants who once thrived on the absurd challenges of SelfBetter? Will they find a new outlet for their extreme self-improvement aspirations, or will they join the ranks of those who prefer a more balanced approach to personal development?

But fear not, avid seekers of personal development, Patel-Singh is not yet ready to step away from the app game. Instead, he unveils his next brainchild – SelfModeration, a revolutionary antidote to the extreme antics of its predecessor. This new app promises a sane and balanced approach to personal growth, encouraging users to embrace moderation and sensibility in their quest for improvement.

As we bid a somewhat relieved adieu to the chaotic circus of SelfBetter, it’s time for a moment of introspection. Let’s collectively ponder the absurdity of extreme self-improvement trends. Perhaps it’s high time to stow away the vehicles and douse the flaming bowling pins in favor of a more reasonable path to becoming our best selves. After all, life is challenging enough without attempting calculus blindfolded on a metaphorical tightrope. Let’s opt for a journey where the bumps are manageable, the paths are sensible, and personal growth doesn’t require a safety net.

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About the Contributor
Srishreya (Shreya) Arunsaravanakumar
Shreya joined the Tribune in hopes of improving her writing abilities and stayed for the company. This is her third year in the Tribune, and she spent the first two years as a staff writer. In her free time, Shreya enjoys spending time with her family, volunteering, and listening to Drake and Taylor Swift. Her goal for this year is to increase the number of columns in the paper and to write an op-ed that stirs drama within the DV community. If Shreya could be any other person on the Tribune, she would be Ekroop for her down-to-earth personality, ever-present smile, and her copy-editing skills or Neetra for her art skills and her ability to write a bomb article in every section.

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