Vivek Ramaswamy is lost. He’s scared. He rapped an Eminem song to a crowd of faith and flag conservatives, unaware the demographic he’s trying to appease views hip-hop as a breeding ground for gangsters and cop killers. That was mistake number one.
Ramaswamy thought he played his cards right. He thought defending Israel would help him beat the Muslim allegations. He thought his anti-trans agenda would finally get him that J.K. Rowling-signed Dobby plush he’s lusted for since he laid eyes on it at the ripe age of 36. Alas, he never received it.
Dobby was always Ramswamy’s favorite Harry Potter character: a laborer living with an insufficient wage, struggling to gain the respect of those above him ― the epitome of the American dream. Deep down it irked him when Dobby gained freedom but that’s neither here nor there.
Quite possibly, Ramaswamy’s biggest mistake was bringing his last name with him on that stage. “Ramaswamy?” Seriously? Surely Roger would have been a safer bet? Maintaining ten whole letters was a very selfish decision. He fails to account for the fact that some of his peers don’t have a reading comprehension level above the third grade.
Quite possibly, Ramaswamy’s biggest mistake was bringing his last name with him on that stage. “Ramaswamy?” Seriously? Surely Roger would have been a safer bet?
Upon Chris Christie’s windowsill lays a dusted copy of Charlotte’s Web that he’s far too intimidated to touch. Reading is hard for him, Vivek. Please don’t make his journey any more threatening than it has to be.
It’s human nature to challenge the unknown. That’s why you can’t blame Ramaswamy’s fellow GOP candidates for throwing jabs at his faith. They may not necessarily know what it is, but credit where credit is due, they know it’s not the correct one.
A heated exchange between Ron DeSantis and Ramaswamy from last night’s debate below:
DESANTIS: We can’t promise Vivek a seat in office ― he’s… Buddhist?
RAMASWAMY: Hindu.
DESANTIS: Jewish?
RAMASWAMY: Hindu.
DESANTIS: Jehovah’s Witness?
RAMASWAMY: Hindu.
DESANTIS: What?
RAMASWAMY: Hindu.
DESANTIS: That.
And so, understandably, Ramaswamy dropped out of the race ― because none of his opponents understood his. Ramaswamy may have been too brown for the Republican Party… but he is brown enough for Dougherty.
Look at him: feet carefully perched upon Dougherty’s steps, alone, broken, forced to deal with the repercussions of his own miscalculations. Do you pity him? Do you recognize the desperation behind his eyes?
And so, understandably, Ramaswamy dropped out of the race ― because none of his opponents understood his.
Today his crimson tie hangs lower than it usually does, reminiscent of a flag half mast. He’s not mourning anyone ― just the death of his dignity.
Let us be kind; this is a humiliating moment for him. Running for student council wasn’t originally where he saw himself but can you blame him? He thirsts for just one win in his life, and truth be told, this could be his big break. Ramaswamy could be the representation the brown boys of Dougherty so desperately need.
They long for someone else, who, like them, isn’t afraid to whine about Affirmative Action, but is petrified to speak on any other social injustice that actually matters. They need another brown boy who dismisses the idea of systemic racism because he’s privileged enough to not experience it. Above all, they need someone who, like them, went to a few debate tournaments and now knows how to speak with conviction but has nothing to say.
And if this certain someone could also support capitalism because their suburban neighborhood has helped them forget about those that such a system steps on, that’d be the cherry on top.
When you break it down, Ramaswamy isn’t that different from the Arjuns and Pranavs of Dougherty Valley. Here he stands before you, a suburban brown boy who wants to liberate America from struggle despite the fact that he doesn’t know what struggle is. And he wants your vote.
Ramaswamy couldn’t be the face of a nation ― but he will settle for parfaits on Tuesdays.
