Dear Reader,
Chronic pain is a weird concept. It isn’t a one-time injury that you can expect to heal from in the next few months, but it also isn’t a daily sickness with a straightforward remedy. “It’s just something you have to live with,” according to my doctor.
I got diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome during the second semester of my junior year. It’s a neurological disorder where the median nerve in your wrist, a nerve that runs from your forearm into your palm, becomes squeezed or pressed, creating inflammation. Carpal tunnel syndrome usually occurs from prolonged repetitive motions, such as using your cellphone too much or consistent positioning of the wrist in activities like sports or art.
I suspect that my carpal tunnel occurred because I was writing and typing too much. It’s a stress-related injury, and it happened because of years of stress buildup in my wrist. Think of it like a bottle that you keep pouring water into; at some point, it will inevitably overflow.
For me, that was right before AP exams and finals. My stress had come to a peak and as a result, I could no longer use my right wrist. I felt numb, both physically and mentally, resorting to asking my mom to help me with trivial tasks like combing my hair or buttoning my jeans. Pain medications didn’t work either, and I couldn’t get steroid injections because of my young age. My wrist brace became a lifesaver. I couldn’t leave the house or sleep without it. According to my doctors, the only solution was not using my hand until it gets better. But that’s impossible for a student— writing is etched into our lives. So, I learned to manage it. I used an ergonomic mouse and bought ergonomic pencils. I switched to voice typing, did daily wrist exercises, and minimized my screen time. Over the summer it got better, but it never went away.
That’s the frustrating part of chronic pain, it’s always there but you can’t always feel or see it. Somedays, you wake up and feel like everything’s better, like you’ve been imagining the pain all along. On those days, I feel like a fraud when I walk around with my wrist brace, when people ask me why my hand hasn’t gotten any better and I respond with a smile. My pain feels like a lie when I take my brace off and write like any other person. But on other days, I’m brutally reminded of my terrible wrist health as I wake up and I can no longer use it because it hurts too much. I dance between ice packs and doctor’s notes because of my stress, numbing my wrist so I can no longer feel any pain, even if it’s just for an hour.
This interaction made me feel heard, and similar conversations with those around me created a sense of solidarity.
Yet, it hasn’t been an entirely negative experience. If anything, I’ve gained an awareness for stress-related health issues (and ways to properly take care of your wrist). A memorable interaction at Target sometime after my diagnosis stands out. I was buying chocolate for a friend’s birthday gift when a stranger came up to me and asked if I had carpal tunnel. Surprised, I asked how they knew (this was new to me because most people thought I had a broken arm). The person then shared that his brother-in-law had the same condition and had booked his surgery in the next few days. He told me that he knew how hard it was living with this type of thing, and sincerely wished that I would get better. This interaction made me feel heard, and similar conversations with those around me created a sense of solidarity. These connections became part of my “magic shop,” a haven for solace during times of sadness or stress.
Throughout this process of acceptance, I realized the flawed nature of the concept that we should just “live” with pain, especially when we’re not even in our twenties. At seventeen, I should be concerned about what to wear for prom, not anticipating the extent of my wrist pain for the day and debating whether to bring instant ice packs. Reflecting on this, I recognize the warning signs that I ignored due to the fear of falling behind in school. My wrist ached after extended writing sessions, but I dismissed it as needing to shake it out. I became clumsier, dropping things more often, and finally, I couldn’t hold my phone because it felt too heavy. My high school stress, tied to grades and college, caused this issue, and I know I’m not alone.
So, I write this for all those who are ignoring their health as they stay up late studying or push themselves to do as many extracurriculars as they can. We shouldn’t be this stressed, and we definitely shouldn’t be getting stress-related health issues at this age. All types of pain — physical, emotional and mental — pile up, and if you keep ignoring it, it’s bound to overflow one day. Don’t get stuck living with your pain, but actively try to prevent it by taking care of yourself better. This sounds like something your parents or doctors would say, advice I too kept ignoring. Nevertheless, speaking from personal experience, you really can’t do much if your health isn’t good, so stop being this stressed and piling things inside you, let go a little!
You really can’t do much if your health isn’t good, so stop being this stressed and piling things inside you, let go a little!
For those who are living with a pain like me, I hope you recognize that you aren’t alone. A part of my magic shop has been built over the connections I’ve made with people, and I sincerely hope that you find your magic shop as well (and feel less pain).
From my Magic Shop,
Mayukhi
