The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

Subject to Change: I swear I can run this country!

In a world hurtling towards modernity at breakneck speed, who better to entrust with solving the complexities of our country than those born in the tranquil and timeless era of the 1940s?
In a world hurtling towards modernity at breakneck speed, who better to entrust with solving the complexities of our country than those born in the tranquil and timeless era of the 1940s?

Dear Reader, 

Imagine being 80 years old, comfortably seated in a retirement home, engaged in a spirited game of Scrabble with your dear friends. Suddenly, a groundbreaking idea surges through your mind. You rise from your chair (aided by your trusty cane, of course) and say with great enthusiasm, “Hooray!” This exclamation nearly startles one of your friends, who recently experienced a cardiac arrest (seriously, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?). “I’ve decided to run for the president of the United States!” you announce jubilantly. Yet, your Scrabble companions appear perplexed, even lost. Their hearing aids may be acting up, but you dismiss that notion. You simply can’t fathom why this idea would strike them as overly dramatic!

Indeed, the idea of an 80-year-old candidate running for the highest office in the land might appear comical at first glance. After all, we’re talking about individuals who remember rotary phones and black-and-white television as the pinnacle of technological advancement. But fear not, for they have a grand plan to steer the nation forward. Brace yourselves, dear citizens, for the ultimate wisdom of the elderly!

Picture this: The campaign trail, where our seasoned septuagenarian or octogenarian is rallying supporters, all while managing a troupe of medical professionals armed with wheelchairs, hearing aids and the ever-present “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” buttons. It’s a sight to behold, really.

Their campaign promises? Well, it’s not universal healthcare, social security reform or climate change action – those are for the young folks to worry about. While the rest of the world is grappling with pressing matters and adapting to the rapid changes of the 21st century, these politicians continue to revel in the bygone eras of their youth.

For them, the wars of the past and the icy tensions of the Cold War are the stuff of legend, and the serious challenges of today are simply a joke.

But hey, at least we can all look forward to a fiercely competitive game of Bingo and some shuffleboard heroics as they lead us into the future – or should I say, shuffle us into the future!

When asked about foreign policy, our seasoned candidate’s eyes light up with excitement. They pledge to negotiate with world leaders with the same fervor they once used to haggle over the price of a loaf of bread. “Back in my day,” they proudly proclaim, “we had to walk uphill both ways in the snow to get to school. World peace? Piece of cake!”

And let’s not forget their economic policy – a return to the good old days, when the stock market was just a quaint notion and a pension plan meant having enough change for the local diner’s early bird special.

So, dear reader, while it may seem like a strange and even surreal proposition to have our golden-agers run the nation, let’s not underestimate their potential. After all, they have a lifetime of experience in complaining about the state of the world from their living room recliners. Who better to bring that valuable expertise to the highest office in the land?

As we ponder the potential of our octogenarian leaders, remember: age is just a number, and sometimes, it’s a pretty big one. But hey, if they can remember where they left their dentures, perhaps they can remember how to run a nation too.

Yours in Geriatric Governance,

Shreya Arun

Leave a Comment
More to Discover
About the Contributor
Shreya joined the Tribune in hopes of improving her writing abilities and stayed for the company. This is her third year in the Tribune, and she spent the first two years as a staff writer. In her free time, Shreya enjoys spending time with her family, volunteering, and listening to Drake and Taylor Swift. Her goal for this year is to increase the number of columns in the paper and to write an op-ed that stirs drama within the DV community. If Shreya could be any other person on the Tribune, she would be Ekroop for her down-to-earth personality, ever-present smile, and her copy-editing skills or Neetra for her art skills and her ability to write a bomb article in every section.

Comments (0)

All The Wildcat Tribune Picks Reader Picks Sort: Newest