Satire

Huge protests rock the west

Neetra Chakraborty, Art & Graphics Editor|May 24, 2023

Protester at Dougherty Valley High School with the “A is for Apple not Android” organization.

Fifteen years after its release, American citizens are finally breaking their silence and speaking out against the horrors of the Android phone.

Though the Android was tolerated in its early years, recently protests have come to an all time high. Marches against the trauma caused by Androids have occurred in most major cities within the last few weeks, and people are demanding action.

Our correspondents spoke with some protesters at the recent “A is for Apple not Android” (AIFANA) march in Seattle, WA.

32 year-old Suravi Ghoshal unwittingly bought her 13-year-old daughter an Android for her birthday and to celebrate their recent move.

“Moving to a majority white neighborhood, I was afraid she’d be bullied for the color of her skin. Turns out it was the color of her texts I had to worry about,” Ghoshal commented. “She came back from school in tears one day. The moment her friends saw her green text, she was became a social pariah. She was the laughingstock of the school.”

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‘The moment her friends saw her green text, she became a social pariah. She’s the laughingstock of the school.’

Sending green texts is one of the many war crimes Androids have committed. Others include being an inch wider than Apple phones and not having the Airdrop feature.

The womens’ rights group present at the AIFANA march is fighting for a total ban on Androids. They are shocked by the overt misogyny from the Android design team.

“In a world where womens’ pockets are all but non-existent, the Androids’ builds are inherently anti-woman,” commented Sara Stevens, the head organizer of the women’s group. “It’s almost as if they were built so women can’t carry them around. Choose the better option.”

Stevens held out her slightly smaller phone in protest. “Choose Apple. Cancel Android.”

Globally, many celebrities have been denouncing the phones and the viral hashtag “#switchtoapple” has gained traction. Personalities all over the world are telling their followers why they prefer Apple products.

“This friend of mine was using these seven-dollar plug-in headphones with his Android, and I was like ‘Hell nah, that’s for poor people,’” a popular alpha-male influencer commented. “If you can’t afford 50-dollar wireless headphones because your 400-dollar Apple doesn’t have headphone jacks, then you’re hella broke.”

Celebrity Lim Lardashian also revealed that Androids had destroyed her relationship with her best friend.

“On our trip to Ibiza, we were taking pictures, and I noticed her phone only had two cameras. Why should I keep someone around who can’t capture me in all my glory?” she said.

These protests are also starting to make real waves in politics. President Biden is scheduled to make an address to the nation within the week.

In addition to this public address to the nation, the federal government has issued an advisory warning that all U.S. residents be prepared to discard their Androids in the Android-collection vehicles that will be patrolling American neighborhoods over the next week. Seemingly, the fall of Androids is imminent.