When DV junior Sue Perstalker was assigned a team presentation in AP Calculus CD, she thought her life was over. Her groupmates?  "What a bunch of losers," Perstalker said. “I don’t mean to be...

In a world obsessed with constant improvement, where achieving your best self is a societal mandate, one app stands out from the plethora of self-help nonsense. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the age...

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire. An optimistic statement from NASA on Tuesday was the latest in a series of false announcements claiming that the space station was on an Earth-bound trajectory....

It happened at a Christmas party.  A family friend showed me a chic new outfit they had planned for winter. I responded, saying that it was a “slay,” which many will recognize as meaning that the...

January 4th, 2024 marks the fifth child to drown in the chocolate river within the walls of Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory. Once considered to be a place of hope where whimsicality was fostered and...

In a shocking turn of events at Dougherty Valley High School, a once-promising student has practically vanished from the face of the Earth, locking himself up in his room over the course of dead week to...

Doors at Dougherty are a design disaster. They certainly are a staple of engineering, but in many cases, they should be scrapped entirely. The double doors that front the classroom buildings are so...

Vivek Ramaswamy is lost. He’s scared. He rapped an Eminem song to a crowd of faith and flag conservatives, unaware the demographic he’s trying to appease views hip-hop as a breeding ground for gangsters...

On October 31, 2023, the fate of Dibuya Valley High School (DVHS) Senior Lin Somnya, 17, was sealed in what would be dubbed the “Dibuya Incident”: she was expelled from her school due to her unobtainable...

Disclaimer: This is a work of satire After an uptick in concerning student searches, the PR team of Securely has released a statement detailing new protective measures designed to maintain a healthy...