In today’s fast-paced, rapidly changing world, dating just seems to be getting harder and harder — especially for poor young men like you, who have it the worst of all. You’ve probably tried just about EVERYTHING to get women to notice you, but in a shocking turn of events, telling them they should smile more, sliding into their DMs with heart-eyes emojis and complimenting them on how different they are from other girls always seems to fail! Even that overpriced, alpha-male-looksmaxxing course you bought online just didn’t have the answer.
Luckily for you, we hired a team of highly trained data analysts, and together, they’ve managed to come to the conclusion that women like it when men “see them as human beings” and “like who they are as a person.” Now, these are by no means easy feats, but with this handy how-to, you can learn exactly how to make it LOOK like you’ve accomplished them!
Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to get women to think of you as an upstanding guy who cares about their interests, without actually having to be either of those things:
1. Layers, layers, and MORE layers
It’s a great time to cite one of my favorite ancient proverbs: “A performative man is only as good as his best sweater vest.” Your off-white Essentials tee is a great first step, but in order to distract women from how few layers there are to your personality, you have to add layers to the fits. Sweaters, cardigans and knitted polos are must-haves. Basically, if it doesn’t look like you bought it from the same place that the “Gilmore Girls” are getting all their clothes, you might as well throw it out. Henleys, graphic tees, loafers and button-downs are other staples in the closets of most performative men—and don’t forget to invest in at least one good pair of jorts (if such a thing exists)!
2. Master the art of accessorizing
Now that your outfits are ready, it’s time to accessorize. Attach a carabiner or labubu keychain to the belt loops of your jeans, and acquire a tote of some kind to carry around wherever you go. Chances are that any bag your mom owned in the early 2000s will work, but if not, band merch from an obnoxiously niche Etsy storefront is your best friend. Appearances are, quite literally in your case, everything, which is why it’s imperative that you always wear wired earbuds (preferably on only one ear to appear the right amount of nonchalant and unbothered) when out in public.
However, the most vital accessory a performative man can possess is his feminist literature (always call it literature—no performative man should ever use a short word when a pretentiously long one is right there). Holding a Sylvia Plath or Jane Austen novel as you walk around is the easiest way to seem intellectual and empathetic to onlookers, and every now and then, you should fall to your knees and start crying about the struggles women have had to so bravely endure, throwing your fake reading glasses to the floor in protest. The more confused and concerned stares you receive, the better. The most important thing to remember is not to get caught pretending to read by flipping through pages too quickly or holding the book upside down. That would be embarrassing!
3. Acquire Instagram clout
But let’s be real: in the modern era, you’re not exclusively meeting people in real life anymore, and your social media pages are just as important to keeping up appearances as any sweater or “New York Times” Bestseller. A true pro at performativity has an impeccably curated Instagram, with every third post being an aesthetic photo dump that conveniently features his stack of overhyped self-help books in the first slide (“Atomic Habits” or “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People” are go-tos), at least 500 people he’ll never follow back, and a reposts tab full of reels he’ll never watch that explain how women like to be treated. He doesn’t have time for that anyway, between all the Instagram notes he’s posting. Some classics include asking if “Love Island” is any good, or music recommendations for any indie artist, but feel free to be as creative as you like.
Social media also presents a great opportunity to rebrand all your flaws as progressive, intentional choices. You’re not procrastinating on laundry, you’re a believer in environmental sustainability. You don’t take the BART everywhere because you’re too lazy to get your license, you just refuse to drive until every woman in the world is allowed to. A few Instagram stories can communicate these opinions quickly, solidifying your public persona.
4. Bringing the performance to life
Congratulations, you’re almost ready to spread your performative wings and fly! You only have one thing left to learn: how to maximize your performativity while interacting with others.
When out with friends, always go to a tea shop, preferably a niche, local one—and get some matcha. Whether or not you plan on drinking it isn’t the point, but holding it as you walk around most definitely is. If you can find a way to make your order unnecessarily complicated, that’s even better. Your wired earbuds should always be blasting Clairo, Beabadoobee, Radiohead, or any other relatively indie artist known for their female fanbase, and whenever possible, keep your phone on and facing up so that everyone can see what you’re listening to. Bonus points if you have a stack of CDs in the car that you call “mixtapes.”
In every conversation, find a way to slip in topics that get you as much female attention as possible — think your newfound interest in the WNBA (who knew Caitlin Clark was so good!), the time you tried the Benson Boone Crumbl cookie, or how much you loved Sabrina Carpenter’s stage presence the last time she toured. In history classes, raise your hand to talk about the 19th amendment as often as possible, pausing where you expect the applause breaks. Above all else, treat social interaction as a way to maintain your personal branding.
Now that you’ve learned each and every step to being a successful, performative man, we hope you’ll go out into the world and make lots of women believe you’re exactly who they’ve been looking for. We’re rooting for you!
