I’ll admit it, I tend to withhold the truth. But that doesn’t mean I’m a liar, does it? Sometimes I’ll hear a joke and instead of asking for it to be repeated, I’ll pretend to understand it. I’ll stay up late at night and swear I’m not tired, while struggling to keep my eyes open. I’ll choose to run from confrontation by saying that I didn’t see you, rather than telling you how I feel. Technically, these are all lies, but in my eyes, it’s safer to do that than hurt someone.
White lies are an easy cover-up for many, including me. They’re an easy tool at anyone’s disposal to avoid those confrontations that they’re not quite ready to have. Yet when every action is placed under a microscope, people tend to overuse them in hopes of fitting in, causing themselves to tread very close to being labeled a “liar,” once again outcasting themselves. The problem lies in that thin line and how we, as a society, handle anyone who’s fallen past that point.
Hate is often used to describe how people feel about “liars,” and I don’t blame anyone for that. But how far do you have to go to be considered a liar? In many cases, the line differs depending on both the person who was lied to and the liar themselves. How many times did they lie? How “bad” was the lie? Who did the lie impact? Along with many other deciding factors, many of them paired with our own bias. All of this changes how we choose who to label liars and who not to. This creates the false narrative that everyone who doesn’t tell us 100% of the truth is a liar and only a liar.
The fear of hurting others, explaining how you feel, or even challenging something that was said are the same fears that cause white lies. Those same fears can lead to further isolation.
Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I wish I had chosen to speak up, or that the person who I’m talking to had just been blunt with me. But those same moments are the ones that I later reflect on and realize nothing really would have been truly fixed by talking about it or “hearing the truth” from them directly. I was hurt by the action, and while their choice to cover it up by lying hurt, the wound was already there the moment I found out the truth.
Ultimately, people will turn to withholding information whether we find it fit or not. If you know it will only cause unnecessary damage, then instead of being upset by the lie, take time to appreciate why they chose to do so.
Maybe they are trying to protect you from hurting more, or they are trying to give you the space you need to grow. In that case, while it might hurt now, they are saving you from so much more pain than you can imagine. Maybe they are doing it to protect themselves; in that case, they aren’t going to change, so hearing the truth from them won’t improve your outlook on them or the situation.
Of course, there are still times when I genuinely wish I had gotten an explanation. Why was one thing said versus another? I often find myself looking back and rereading messages in hopes of getting a better reason than the one that was handed to me sugar-coated. But there are also just as many incidents where I am glad I was left in the dark. I was glad I got that sugar-coated response because, frankly, at some point, the reward of not knowing is greater than the reward of knowing.
In many cases, where someone came up and told me the truth after the fact, I began to reevaluate myself over and over again, creating a cycle of hurt that was hard to break free from. The trust was broken the moment I realized they lied. If they didn’t tell me the truth then, what makes me think they are telling me the truth now? These thoughts continue to flood my head even after everything is “resolved,” leading to only the feeling that I wished they had kept it from me. Because at least then, I could continue to keep up the false narrative that they aren’t that bad of a person.
I will admit there are countless studies showing how lying at a young age only creates further problems down the road. Including a study conducted by the students at Brock University, which studied children ages 8-15. During this study, it was discovered that the children who reported lying more often also experienced higher levels of depression later on. However, there are also countless studies that show how lying is a natural part of growing up that actually can help grow our understanding of others’ emotions. In a study conducted by Hangzhou Normal University, it was found that the ability to lie helps to grow the theory of mind, specifically that lying can help build an understanding that beliefs influence emotions.
No, I’m not saying everyone should automatically resort to telling lies, or that everyone has your best interest in mind when lying. Frankly, when you try to see the good in everyone, it becomes harder to remove people from your life when they need to be removed. But in any serious situation, the truth always seems to come out. If it doesn’t, then take it as a sign that maybe it’s for the better.
If your deciding factor between if you want them in your life or not is if they decide to tell you themselves, then you need to rethink. How much would actually change with that information? Would hearing it from them directly really make the situation any better? If it would, and they still kept it from you, then they clearly don’t understand what you need to be happy. If not, then be happy they left you with that peace of mind.
