When DV junior Sue Perstalker was assigned a team presentation in AP Calculus CD, she thought her life was over. Her groupmates?
“What a bunch of losers,” Perstalker said. “I don’t mean to be rude, but I hate their lazy butts. I’d been paired with them before, and I had to write our entire script, but they still ditched the entire week in a panic. When I got paired with them again, I knew I had to escalate matters.”
This time, Perstalker dialed up Do-Your-Share Detective Agency (DYS), a corporation founded by DV students in 2023. For an “absolutely tiny” fee, they took her case and scheduled her a meeting with one of their private investigators. Within 48 hours, the group’s unfinished slides had mysteriously materialized. Perstalker later received an apology letter written in human blood.
“We put the ‘our business’ in ‘none of our business’,” DYS cofounder and CFO junior Helle P. Meh said with a flourish.
Meh and her colleagues founded DYS based on one wild idea from their CEO, senior Ivy L. Babbée.
“Ivy wanted some spending money and work experience,” Meh reminisced. “Remember that massive price hike in ‘22? Takis got way more expensive. We needed cash. And also we were tired of everyone around us at school just coasting on our hard work and covert ChatGPT usage, y’know?”
The detective agency offers three plans to its high school clients: Distractible Bronze for $20 per hour, Tagalong Silver for $35 per hour, and No-Show Platinum for $65 per hour. Bronze customers get basic features like 24/7 IP address monitoring on their target, while Platinum users earn bonuses, like their so-called collaborator tied and gagged on their front doorstep at 3 a.m (with advance notice, DYS will customize the handcuff color).
“It’s an essential service we provide,” Meh proclaimed. “Over 21% of Dougherty students have contacted us in the past six months for aid. But personally, I– we, we believe it’s not just our glorious contribution to the community that makes us stand out, but our ethic of, um, teamwork. Yeah. Because we value this company over–” she cut off, glancing at the Instagram feed of her fellow executives. “–going to Stoneridge Mall during our monthly strategy meeting and claiming it’s a dentist appointment.”
Meh is the sole individual who updates the detective agency’s LinkedIn page with any regularity. She meets regularly with shareholders, arriving ready with an aesthetic SlidesGo template. Perstalker, now a DYS employee, has never met a company officer other than Meh and was unaware that any others existed.
“Wait, hang on?” Perstalker demanded. “You’re telling me there are more of them? I knew Helle needed an assistant! She’s always so busy.”
Babbée declined to comment on the topic of this article, “because I honestly have higher priorities than my job. You get that, right? I’m going to college next year.” She then left the video call.
Junior Gunn Slack, COO, responded to requests for comment with a winking face emoji.
UPDATE: Babbée and Slack were found dead last week in the 2000 building, bludgeoned to death with a stapler. Police have disclosed that Babbée had hundreds of messages from Meh on her phone. The first read, “can u file commercial operators [sic] license pls due two months ago” and the last, “taking this into my own hands. tysm 4 nothing partners”. All 734 texts were unread.
Perstalker was arrested hours later on murder and conspiracy charges. “This whole thing was Helle’s idea!” she wailed as she was marched away in her own DYS-issued polka dot cuffs. “She said we’d split the task! I don’t know why she ghosted me!”
