The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

The official student news site of Dougherty Valley High School.

The Wildcat Tribune

Local scientists in San Ramon make a breakthrough in genetic engineering

Srishreya (Shreya) Arunsaravanakumar
Genetic engineering is the newest body trend.

A team of San Ramon researchers have recently made a monumental breakthrough in the field of genetic engineering. The long standing dream of creating the perfect human is finally a reality, and they will begin mass production in 2027.

“This is a massive breakthrough for traditional society,”lead scientist Billy Sharma said. “These guys are better than your average Joe. Each one is guaranteed to win at least five Olympic gold medals and become an International Science Bowl champion.”

Mathematically, they are the epitome of beauty and perfect to the point where even looking at one is injurious to the human eye and may cause permanent blindness or even brain damage. Sharma and his team have effectively calculated and implemented the golden ratio on each of these prototypes, making them unimaginatively attractive. Studies show that these new and improved humans will dominate the fashion and advertising industries within the next decade, as well as virtually every other industry.

“I mean it’s inevitable. People need to learn to be like this, it isn’t even that hard. I can definitely break 13 Guinness World Records everyday and have my mental health in tip top shape if I really wanted to,” Sharma claimed.

His team of frightened interns declined to comment.

The eventual goal of this project is to facilitate human evolution at a much faster rate, so much that we will eventually take on new physical characteristics such as extra toes, teeth, and fingernails. But it doesn’t stop there.

We can grow wings. I believe in us.

— Billy Sharma

“Growing up, I was always a big fan of Winx Club, and I think that engineering this new race of humans to develop wings would be a big step forward for humanity. These inventions could be role models for human society, and I know that eventually, us normal people will be able to reach these totally realistic standards. We can grow wings. I believe in us,” Sharma declared.

Yet again his team refused to comment on his stance.

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About the Contributors
Rithvika Nagaraj
Rithvika Nagaraj, Opinions Copy Editor
Srishreya (Shreya) Arunsaravanakumar
Shreya joined the Tribune in hopes of improving her writing abilities and stayed for the company. This is her third year in the Tribune, and she spent the first two years as a staff writer. In her free time, Shreya enjoys spending time with her family, volunteering, and listening to Drake and Taylor Swift. Her goal for this year is to increase the number of columns in the paper and to write an op-ed that stirs drama within the DV community. If Shreya could be any other person on the Tribune, she would be Ekroop for her down-to-earth personality, ever-present smile, and her copy-editing skills or Neetra for her art skills and her ability to write a bomb article in every section.

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