Current time: 1:31am.
To-do:
☐ no zzz’s
☐ write satire piece
☐ plan tomorrow’s tasks
Sleep. What even is that anyways? I haven’t slept since the start of high school. I mean, why would you sleep when you can spend that time completing the endless tasks on your to-do list? It’s not like I’ve been running on 8 cups of matcha lattes and 10 bags of black tea just so they can twin with the dark, beautiful bags under my eyes — it’s just so I can feel that amazing satisfaction from crossing off a task on my list.
My mornings are so much more peaceful than the average. I’m always awake to watch the sunrise, plus I never have to snooze my alarm! I know, you can’t relate. I never struggle to get out of bed, unlike you. But here’s my piece of advice: just don’t go to bed. Then you won’t have to deal with that icky, inner battle in the morning where all you want to do is lay there and do nothing. Never rest your head on a pillow, then you’ll never think about resting ever again. Problem solved! Plus, you won’t be grumpy for the rest of the day, like me.
What’s my secret? It’s simple. Every morning I reach the highest state of zen that even Yoda can’t achieve. Oh sorry. I meant yoga. Yoga master. Yoda and yoga. Same thing. As I crack my back and massage my neck from hunching over my computer all night (silly me, I should really fix that posture of mine), I think about all the tasks I must finish before my next sip of tea. Just thinking about it makes me smile. About 88 tasks on my list I counted for this morning? How lovely, that’s my favorite number! These double eights mean double infinity so I will forever be in this loop. I love it! Why sleep for an eternity when you can work for an eternity? I knew today would be a good day!
But no, nothing can disrupt my peace. If someone were to break into my home? As long as they don’t steal my notepad, my fingers will still be happily dancing away on my keyboard. Whatever they do won’t be distracting at all. My senses are kept at a minimum not because I don’t have common sense, but because I’ve truly reached nirvana. I don’t get frustrated. I don’t get frantic. And I don’t ever run late for snoozing my alarm too many times. Some might call me emotionless but I call that being smart. I’m just conserving my energy rather than wasting it on useless emotions. So yes, I’m winning in life. My stamina is stronger than your will to stay awake.
I’m not saying all this because I haven’t gotten any sleep. I’m not tired at all. *yawn* That yawn isn’t from my lack of sleep. It’s from my lack of oxygen to the brain. And why am I not getting enough oxygen? Well, seeing a blank, unfinished task list feels suffocating. I can’t breathe if I go to sleep knowing that I didn’t finish checking off my boxes. I’ll get sufficient oxygen to my brain once I finish this task list.
You might say I’m delusional, but I think otherwise. I mean, I don’t even have time to dream because I’m so busy running in this race for productivity. I’d say I’m pretty fast — every box checked is another mile complete. And how many boxes have I checked in my lifetime? More than you will ever accomplish. My stamina is stronger than your will to stay awake.
On the other hand, you must be tired of seeing those empty boxes on your list not getting filled. Hate to break it to you but it makes sense since they reflect who you truly are: empty and lonely. You would think that by getting your daily beauty sleep your heart would be filled by now. But I guess not, because as I said before, sleep won’t do it for you. Just follow me and your heart will be fulfilled.
Let’s think about it. What did you complete today? Did you finish everything on your task list? I think not. You’re probably lying under your covers, getting ready to sleep but before you shut your eyes you had to search for ways to feel less guilty about not being on task …. So here you are, hoping that I’d be doing the same. Sorry to disappoint, but I can’t give that little pat on your back. I mean, look! I’m very on task. Here I am, writing this piece so I can cross it off my to-do list.
To-do:
☑ no zzz’s
☑ write satire piece
☐ plan tomorrow’s tasks
And would you look at that: a nice strike across my 88th task! Meanwhile you got a nasty strike at school for sleeping in. But wow, completing all 88 tasks and it’s only 2:22am? It’s no biggie but I must praise myself. I am truly on top of it. This is proof that I’ll be getting that check faster than you. That’s right. Paychecks. I’ll be working day and night but what will you be doing? Getting your “beauty” sleep.
Now onto my next task: plan tomorrow’s tasks. I know you’re thinking that my list will forever be endless since that will never be completely checked off. And you’re right! Well only half right because the day I do will be the day I finally sleep… and it’ll be for an eternity. So I’ll be fine! I can catch up on all this sleep I’ve missed for the past 17 years. I mean, my bed will be way more special than yours — I’ll be encased in a dark hardcover, specially designed and personalized just for me.
