Yes, it was me. I cannot deny it any longer, all of the food related incidents were me. I take immense pleasure in saying that I alone am responsible for littering and throwing food around campus. It was me who knocked down a trash can in the 1k, and it was me who left food in the library for the librarians to find.

In fact, I have actually spent the last two months pretending to be a freshman so that I could put milk in a locker, where it stayed for weeks. I, Samuel JJ Minioza, am the Milk Menace of Dougherty Valley (Please refer to me as this in all future interactions).

Why do I do it? Simple: I love suffering. I am sadistic. After all, why else would someone put milk in a locker for weeks on end? Why else would someone push a trash can down the stairs? Why would anyone do such ridiculous and blatantly stupid acts if not to watch the world burn?

When I saw those signs on the library desks that said “please do not eat,” I felt a deep fire suddenly light inside of me. I felt like Washington as he peered over the Delaware. Martin Luther King Jr. as he stood upon the Washington Monument. Whoever held the gun before they killed Hitler.

For me, it is like painting. Maybe it literally is painting, the way I throw food across hallways and public buildings. Yes, it is an art form. I love it and I refuse to deny it any longer. It was all me, Wildcats. I destroyed our campus at supersonic speed to make it seem like there was a problem with our student body and respect, when in fact I alone was the causer of chaos. The destroyer of worlds.

Not only are all of the various and absurd food-related events around campus entirely of my doing and entirely intentional, I was the one who was speeding and joyriding during lunch. In my computer science class, I designed a program on an Arduino to control a Tesla remotely while I drove another car. Thus, I was able to speed and do damage with multiple cars at once. Next week, I plan on doing donuts in the middle of the Bollinger Canyon intersection, throwing more milk out of the windows and across people’s front lawns. 

There is nothing that will stop my rampage. I am just too good at spilling food everywhere. Otherwise it would be impossible for a well-funded school system to catch someone so good at spilling food that they can do so in the middle of the day surrounded by hundreds of students. I am that guy. Himmy Neutron.

I will in the upcoming weeks be collecting school pizza provided to students for free and taking off the cheese, spreading the sauce over the stairs, and then lining the railings with the cheese. I also plan on digging small holes inside of the 3k, in which I will place strategic bottles of milk, lid open, to stink up the floors.

What I have described to you is not satire. I am not joking. It was all me. I am just so good at committing petty crimes in broad daylight. I am constructed alternatively. How else could it be that a campus of upwards of four thousand people would be unable to catch the perpetrator of the Milk Menace? The explanation is simple: It was me and I am just the greatest crime comitter to ever commit crimes.

DV-ous Licks: the TikTok trend that reached Dougherty

Food waste distresses students and staff

Students’ lunches are regularly being stolen

Retroactively, I would also like to stake claims to the other ridiculous events over the last 4 years blamed on the innocent student body. It was me who repeatedly pulled the fire alarm multiple times within the span of 30 minutes. It was me who redacted my Early Decision (As an aside, I have also redacted four other Early Decisions because I am simply too good at committing crimes). I was the one who taunted monkeys at the Oakland Zoo, and I have the monkey suit in my closet to prove it.

I must defend our student body. The student body at DV are saints, and they would never do such heinous acts. They can do no wrong. They deserve empowerment and rights, and they deserve luxuries. Not once has the DV student body ever done anything that is deserving of harsher treatment. These 14-18 year olds are not children, and they’re not just young adults, they’re fully mature human beings with humility and wisdom ready for the real world. The only problem is me. I am ruining it for everyone and I am doing it on purpose because I am the harbinger of chaos.

So in the coming months, when more and more ridiculous events happen on campus, remember this: do not waver in your demands for respect and a seat at the table, students. You deserve all the privileges in the world. It is me alone who is doing this and there is nothing that will stop me. I am the one who knocks.