Why Thanksgiving Dinner Might Just Kill You

Julia Park, Staff Writer

The autumnal crisp air excites you after the unusually lingering heat this summer prevented you from slipping into your favorite sweater on the stroke of the first official fall day. As the leaves turn colors, the vibrant sky fades grey, and the scintillating aroma of cinnamon fills local coffee shops, sparkling garlands are lit in spirit of this festive season, and local grocery markets are  filled with the widest arrangement of comfort food. A Dougherty Valley Wildcat yourself, you are determined to completely conquer your Thanksgiving Break. No more procrastinating on your Drivers’ Ed or skipping the gym. You’ll buy your sister her late birthday present, and study for the SAT.

As wonderful as Thanksgiving season is, there are a few substantial negative aspects of having a full week off from school. Don’t get me wrong, when I can get a vacation, I’ll take it; however, some things just don’t click like the way do in the movies. In a hypothetical situation, here are some lighthearted reasons of why most Thanksgiving dinners might just kill you.

1) Your annoying relatives undermine the bubbly.

Uncle Randy, Aunt Alyssa, Grandma Sharon, Grandpa Jack, the Hildenbrand cousins and your parents could probably only come to one unifying conclusion if their life depended on it: There is no such thing as too much bubbly on Thanksgiving dinner. Yeah, a glass or two of champagne seems festively appropriate at a celebratory gathering, but a few extra clinks and you’re starting to dig yourself a nice little hole next to your rue of eating a third round of Grandma Sharon’s turkey stuffing.  Obviously you don’t want to engage in drinking alcohol (right?), but a bunch of intoxicated relatives and karaoke might make you wish you were 21.

2) Uncle Randy forgets the pocket cash.

There is no doubt that reuniting with distant and local family is a blessing opportunity. After all, ohana means family, and family means no one gets left behind or forgotten. But when you see your friends with the new iPhone 6, you can’t help but feel an extra pitch of joy when your relatives reach for their wallet to compensate for lost time spent together. But yes, oh yes, Uncle Randy forgot his pocket cash. This one doesn’t completely knock you over, but the hole is growing deeper, and karaoke is becoming slightly louder than it should be.

3) Your AP teacher glares at you through Charlie Brown’s eyes on the television screen.

After the hustle and bustle of Thanksgiving dinner itself, your family decides to cozy around the fire and watch Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving. Finally, some peace and relaxation. Just then, something kicks inside of you because you remembered: you haven’t even started your AP assignment. You’re now encumbered by the heavy weight of your homework, and the weight of the mashed potatoes and gravy in your stomach doesn’t even compare.

4) Pumpkin Spice Everything.

You try not to be bothered by it, but you are. Pumpkin spice lattes, muffins, doughnuts, breads, cupcakes, pies etc. totally take over Safeway when you make a quick errand to buy the cool whip your mom forgot. And there’s that notorious call coming from the Starbuck’s counter: “One grande Pumpkin Spice Latte for Kim!” You roll your eyes and push your shopping cart. They say that more is always better, but you can’t help yourself on this one. Too much pumpkin spice of everything drives you a bit insane this time of year.

Coming back home, your relatives kiss you and pinch your cheeks one last time before hopping into their SUV’s. The engine rumbles and tires screech against the frosty cement as your aunt rolls down the window one last time to wave goodbye. Congratulations, you’ve survived! You’ve conquered four (slightly amplified) situations that make their reappearance every year during Thanksgiving dinner. I encourage you, as a third year student here myself, to be proactive during your break. Embrace the moments you get to share with your family and cherish the quirky traditions. And hey, it never hurts to get just one pumpkin spice latte, right?