1) I remember, back when I was about 5 years old, going to my church. After service, my dad was talking to someone and I thought that maybe it would be funny to slap his behind. When I did, he turned around. It was the pastor, and my dad was talking to HIM. Here’s to you, Dad!

2) My class was taking a test, and it was very quiet in the room. It was right before lunch, so I was hungry. Then my stomach started grumbling. It was weird because that was the only noise in the room. People pretended not to notice (or they really didn’t notice).

3) When I was a lovely freshman (oxymoron?), I was a runner. You know, one of those people who had to get to the front of the lunch line to get the buffalo wings before they ran out. Well, one day I ran too fast and I tripped over the TWO stairs. When I tried to swing back, my giant bag that carried my clarinet swung forward, and I fell flat on my face. I even waited on the ground for a looong five seconds, waiting for someone to ask “are you okay” and help me up. No one ever did, so I got up and went to the bathroom and cried. I think.

4) Those moments when you wave to someone but they don’t see it and you kind of give up all reason to wave to anyone else after that…something minor and that’s happened to everyone at least once, but still as degrading to your humanity and embarrassing as going to the bathroom and making “bathroom sounds” (you know what I mean) just as someone walks in.

5) During third period, I walked into the downstairs 1000 boys’ bathroom, thinking I was in the 2000 building (I’m a girl). By the time I realized my mistake, a guy was already looking up at me from the sink (well at least he washed his hands!). I totally froze. Then, I quickly ducked out of the bathroom, heart pounding with embarrassment. Naturally, what should happen but a class coming straight through the building doors from the library just as I step out. Of course.

6) I was running late to school. Normally, I’d just skip going to my locker, but I’d left a folder in there that I desperately needed for first period, so I got to my locker about a minute into the passing period, when the hallway traffic was nice and busy. I ended up being late to first period, not because my classroom was far away, but because I had forgotten my lock combination. So there I was, standing there trying again and again for about five minutes, being stared at by some teacher’s first period locked out of the classroom right next to my locker. The late bell rang. My locker finally opened. I grabbed my folder, and as nonchalantly as I could, I stroll down the hallway, not meeting any of the eyes that followed me down the hall.

7) The time I tripped and rolled down the stairs (without managing to harm myself in anyway)

8) In Dance 1, part of our semester final was to perform the teacher’s choreography in groups. I got so nervous and confused that I sat down in the middle of the dance, thinking I was done. It sounds just as dumb as it was…

9) Not too long ago a few students asked how to remember the difference between vertical and horizontal. Before I could stop myself, I told them the infamous way I learned when I was in the eighth grade: virgins are vertical and hos are horizontal. Could not have been more mortified that I said that out loud!

10) I’m walking back to my classroom from being in the computer lab during 6th period. It’s after school, so tons of students are rushing the hallways to get the heck OUT of school. I’m carrying a plastic water bottle, a giant stack of papers, and my keys. Unfortunately that morning, I had decided to wear a pair of pants with huge cuffs, and I’d been catching the cuff on my heels all day, but luckily catching myself. About the 8th step down, my heel again catches my cuff, mid step down to the 9th. My whole body pitches forward, and I start falling, face forward, belly flopping down the staircase. My water bottle, papers and keys fly out of my hand, landing at about the same time as me on the first floor, with a giant THUD. Because they’re freshmen, kids start rushing toward me, offering me my things, asking nervously to one another, “Is she okay?” I’m still sprawled out on the floor, shaking in shame, when I look up to see a nervous freshmen, a worried and confused look on his face, holding something out to me in the palm of his hand. It’s my other shoe, as if I’m in “Cinderella”, and I’ve lost my glass slipper. Except Cinderella was a lot more graceful.

11) “The four times Ray the Campus Supervisor has stopped me in the hallway during my prep period to ask why I wasn’t in my class and where I was going… because he thought that I was a tardy student. Maybe this one might be more embarrassing for him than for me…”

12) One day, I was supposed to go into another teacher’s classroom to help with a project, but I was running late. I had on these shoes that slipped and slid all the time, so I thought, “Wouldn’t it be funny to run and then slide to a stop right in front of the door?” Obviously, it made sense in my head. I was already jogging because I was late, so right before I got to the door, I stopped suddenly with my feet together, ready to impress the kids with my ultimate cool. I may have slid, but not enough. I went from standing perfectly straight with my hands at my side to laying straight on my side on the floor. Seriously, I made a perfect 90 degree arc. No flailing arms. No bent knees. Just up, then down. Like a falling tree. Of course the class saw, but they didn’t really understand. I heard someone say, “Hey, did someone just go by out there?” The teacher came to the door to see what had happened. All he saw was me, doubled over laughing at how stupid I had been. Good times.

13) One time I was lecturing to a class and meant to say “A little bit” but I accidentally said “A little b**ch”.

14) I was carrying a large box down the stairs, so I couldn’t really see the steps. Unfortunately, I thought I was at the bottom two steps too soon. I launched forward, landing on my knees and on the box at the base of the stairs. Fortunately, only the box and my ego suffered injuries and there were no witnesses!

15) One time in Ms. Tyson’s english, freshman year, I tried to take off my sweatshirt during a lecture and ended up taking my shirt off with it.

16) Once I was wearing a short skirt and I didn’t realize I’d forgotten to wear spandex underneath it until after it got stuck under my backpack while walking and exposed my entire behind.

17) I wore my favorite pair of leggings for weeks and weeks, but now I’ve stopped ever since I found out they were see-through…….months later.

18) I wore an old pair of shorts and I realized that it was too small since it hitched really high over my knee when I sit down. Which would be fine if I wasn’t a guy.

19) I posted the final exam on school loop my first year at Dougherty.

20) I left my fly down during class and a student said, “Hey Mr. B, XYZ!”.

21) I once got asked to prom by a student in a tuxedo with a bow tie that matched his flowers. When I had to turn him down in front of the entire class, he assured me he had done the background research and there were no legal concerns because he was already 18.

22) In my science class, we were doing an experiment that involved liquids. I was walking to my lab station, unaware of the puddle of liquid in front of me. I slipped, fell on my butt really hard and even knocked someone else down with me. She ended up spilling water on my head as well. We were a wet mess while the entire class was laughing their heads off.

23) On SL, instead of posting a worksheet, I posted “works**t”. During class, I had the SL homework assignment projected to show students where to find the “works**t”. A student took a picture of me explaining this with the assignment right behind me where it said “works**t”. When he told me about it, I died of embarrassment.

24) During 3rd, I walked into the downstairs 1000 boys’ bathroom, thinking I was in the 2000 building (I’m a girl). By the time I realized my mistake, a guy was already looking at me from the sink. I totally froze. Then, I quickly ducked out of the bathroom, my heart pounding with embarrassment. Naturally, what should happen? A class coming through the building doors, just as I stepped out.