Advice Column: Week 14

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Hello DV students, and Happy (early) Valentine’s Day!

Thank you for submitting to the Wildcat Tribune’s Rapid Response advice column! We’ve tried our best to answer your questions for this week.

Disclaimer: The advice of the Wildcat Tribune Advice Column is provided by students, for students. While we have your best interests in mind, and we will try our best to help you, we are not expert sources for more serious topics. Our advice is intended to support you and help guide your decisions, but you are in no ways obligated to take it. Please email the Tribune if you feel the need to reach out for any kind of help or follow up for any inquiries.


Want to ask some anonymous questions and get advice? Our form opens every Monday and closes on Friday at 11:59 pm. Responses are always posted on Sundays on this website. Week 15’s responses will be available on Sunday, February 17.

Week 15 form: https://goo.gl/forms/YyrNqEovgUEoQtT13


Q: There’s this guy that I like and we’re sorta close. I want to tell him how I feel but I’m worried that he doesn’t like me back and I don’t want to make things awkward between us because he’s a really good friend. Should I tell him or not?

– unsure

A: Okay so let’s weigh the options here; if you tell him, you risk it being really awkward between the two of you for a bit, but you do end up getting closure. If you don’t tell him, you’ll always be in the dark about how he feels, and you won’t get closure. If he really is a good friend of yours,  he will understand and help you overcome that awkward phase. ALL IN ALL, I suggest telling him because a) you’ll end up getting closure and b) you never really know until you try.

I hope that helped!

Harshita

 

 

Q: should I go into my friends’ backpacks to steal their fOod?

– Poopy pants

A: Hey Poopy pants,

You should definitely keep your friend’s feelings in mind — would they be upset if you stole their food? If the answer is yes, then you probably shouldn’t take it. If the answer is no, then you could occasionally sneak some food for yourself. Just don’t take too much or else they would get upset.

Hope this helps,

Caroline

 

 

Q: Is it real feelings if you like someone for their intelligence?

– SofieDossiFan

A: Dear SofieDossiFan,

To be blunt, no. If you only like someone for their intelligence, it’s most likely because you admire their smarts. Although this is a good thing, this should not be the only quality you admire in a person. Let’s say you like someone who has a bright personality, humorous, caring, AND is smart (in your perspective), that’s a different story. This is how some people “take advantage” of people who are smart, and often smart people don’t enjoy it, even though they might hide how they really feel. They can usually tell when someone actually likes them for who they or just for their brains. It’s not a constructive way to build a relationship, so you need to really think about if you only like them for brains or other factors as well.

Good Luck!

Daniela

 

 

Q: I want a prom date and I have a guy I’m interested in. I don’t necessarily want to get into a serious relationship though since we’ll be graduating soon. How do I
1. Get his interest
2. Make it clear that I want to have more of a short-term thing with him.

– Clueless in San Ramon

A: Dear Clueless in San Ramon,

In terms of “getting his interest,” start having more conversations with him – make yourself known, and start building a relationship. I think that the most important thing to consider in your situation is ensuring you don’t lead anyone on. Make your expectations clear from the start, and make sure he understands what you define as “short-term.” If you ask him to prom, I’d suggest maybe avoiding a more public ask — ask this person at a time where you can explain that your expectations for the relationship. Granted, it’s obviously not going to be the easiest thing to communicate this right off the bat, but it’s an honest method that will ensure no one gets hurt after its all over.

Good luck,

Taylor

 

 

Q: How do you flirt without feeling like an awkward turtle

– Sue Do Nim

A: You don’t. Just kidding! (kind of)

I’m definitely not an expert on this topic, but I think the best ways you can show your crush you like them is subtle signs. Try teasing them a little, or compliment them on things. Maybe stand/sit close to them if you’re in a group of friends or if you’re in a class with them. If they seem left out/down, ask them if they’re doing okay, even if you aren’t close. They’ll know you care, even if they aren’t. Most importantly, just be genuine.

Best of luck,

Amrita

 

 

Q: i love this person but they don’t kno. we r really good friends but i don’t want to mess up our relationship if i tell them that i like them. do you think my ti-84 calculator will get jealous and thus fall in love with me if i get a new calculator? do u think im being petty? Please help.  

– calculateMyLove

A:

If you truly love your TI-84, let it go. I heard that those types can be rather calculating and overly dependent on other people’s inputs, anyways.

Best Wishes,

Sarah Kim

 

Q: How do I deal with being ghosted?

– Sad Lad

A: Dear Sad Lad,

If you find yourself stuck in a perpetual state of wondering about why they haven’t responded, try to avoid this mindset by taking time to get back to the things you enjoy, or your studies. Overthinking unfortunately doesn’t solve much, and it won’t get you the answers you want – it’ll probably just make you more confused and upset. Allow yourself a bit of time to be sad or upset, as it may help you to move on. It’s strange to feel as though you’ve missed out on some important detail and/or you did something that would have warranted an end to communications, but it’s not worth your time to wonder about why whoever was talking to you has left you hanging. They’ve done something kind of inconsiderate, and the best thing you can do is to stop messaging them – you don’t have to keep people that don’t respect you in your life.

Best wishes,

Taylor

 

 

Q: I feel really lonely nowadays. I have a lot of friends, and I consider myself to be a good friend to the best of my abilities. I’m always there for someone when they need me, and whenever I feel like I’m finally beginning to develop a real bond with someone, they always manage to disappoint me, like getting mad at me for no reason (it really is for no reason; I’m talking about someone in particular), or not being there for me like I was for them, or being cold to me, or just not caring about what I want to say. I feel like I’m not able to make a good friend, and when I think I am, they just hurt me. I’m talking to a therapist and rant to them, but I need a FRIEND who I can talk to, and who can be there whenever I need to talk. I often feel depressed and suicidal because of this, and don’t know what to do. I know I can go to most of my friends and just start ranting, cuz they always say stuff like ‘I’ll be there for you’ but I don’t feel comfortable doing that, because I don’t want to confide in just anyone. What do I do?

-*insert screaming and crying here*

A: Dear *insert screaming and crying here*,

It sounds like there’s a specific friend that you want to confide in. If this person is already in your life, I think you should ease your way into telling them because you wouldn’t want to unleash everything on them at once, especially if you’ve never confided in them before. Talking things out is very important, and if you absolutely have to talk to a friend, then you should just do it. I understand that good friends are incredibly hard to find, but I can guarantee that you will find at least one friend at DV. If this person is not in your life, then please feel free to reach out to me. I will be more than glad to listen, help and be your friend.

Also, there are other ways to cope with your emotions. You could try listening to the right music, writing, doodling, or anything that makes you feel better. Something that helps me when I’m feeling lonely is that I just focus on the future. I find that optimism always works because it can distract you from all the negatives currently in your life.

Hope this helps,

Caroline

 

 

Q: so lately i’ve been feeling really distant from my best friend; i’ve been going through some stuff with my other friends (our mutual) and because of this i’ve been going back and forth between a neutral state and being really sad and on the verge of tears several times a day and i’ve just kind of felt really isolated? and lately whenever i talk to her it feels like she’s irritated/annoyed by me, or sometimes it feels like she’s talking to me just because she feels obliged to. i don’t know if it’s because of my mood, but i don’t know how to talk to her about it because every time i have it’s been after we’ve had an argument, and i’m just glad to have her to talk to again so i brush it off and tell her that our argument was probably just a misunderstanding/my bad mood + bad timing and that i’m sorry, but the thing is that soon after i realize that it really isn’t and that i really just miss having proper conversations with her and she doesn’t seem to even want to associate with me sometimes. also, i’ve found myself zoning out more than being in focus during the day and whenever i’m in a conversation in a group of friends i feel like even though i’m physically there, i’m not mentally there. i don’t know how to deal with my feelings of loneliness and this problem with her, who’s the person i care about most. What do I do? (sorry this was really long)

– tired and sad

A: Dear tired and sad,

From experience, I can tell you that it is really hard to deal with. Often times, you pour your heart and soul that you share with this person and these experiences can truly drive you crazy. I know this might be easier said than done, but this is my advice (heads up, it’s long, haha):

Step 1) You need to have a talk with your BFF sometime sooner or later. This can be in person, or over call/text, as long as it’s just the two of you with no one else involved. You should tell your friend how you feel and what’s really going on for you, then ask them if they just need some time, or if they truly want to end the friendship. This part can either go great or horrible, but it’s good to tie up some loose ends and uncertainty of where the friendship is headed. From here you can proceed to one of two steps:

Step 2A) If they want to end the friendship, then this needs to be blatantly clear. There should be no bouncing back and forth between friends and individuals because this is an unhealthy friendship. This type of friendship is comparable to a couple who constantly breaks up and gets back together. This creates unnecessary toxicity and it’s best to cut ties at this point, as sad as it can be. Block their number and any other form of communication if you find yourself lingering for a hope of them reaching out to you. At this point, if they want to change this, the friend needs to talk to you in person. If this is the case, some coping mechanisms can be to turn to talking to other friends, maybe not even the closest ones, and spending time with them. The harsh reality of friendships is that not all friends will stay forever. Friends will either stay, drift, or fray away.

Step 2B) If they still want to keep the friendship, discuss where the friendship is headed. If they just need some time because their life is kinda crazy right now, give it some time and come back to it. Once they are ready to talk, talk about how you feel and ask them what is going on in their life. Ask if there is anything you can do or anywhere where you have went wrong. This is a time when both of you need to be completely transparent with each other, and you can even say that. Nothing hidden, everything should be in the open. At the end, you both should say what either of you (or both of you) will change going forward. You can ask “are we good now?” If the answer is yes, you have mended the friendship and it is safe to proceed. If not, taking some time to discuss more (in a civil way, no screaming/fighting) may help. If not, this friendship might not work out, and refer to step 2A.

I’m not an expert, but this is the best advice I can give. I want to note that regardless of whether your friend wants to stay with you or not, it is important to know your self-worth. You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself (this is true for both friendships and romantic relationships). If all fails, it’s okay to be sad. As a matter of fact, it’s perfectly normal. Just lean on the people who lift you up (even if they aren’t close) and know that anyone to be your friend is lucky. Maybe even take some “me time” and indulge in your hobbies and passions; things that make you happy. As much as you can love someone else, you need to be comfortable in your own skin.

I wish you luck! 🙂

-Daniela

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