Solving the Elusive Kiss-tery

Solving the Elusive Kiss-tery

Disclaimer: Michael Shi is the most qualified person to write this article.

It’s that time of year again. Everywhere you look, your eyes are assailed with the sentiment of Valentine’s Day. People are spending inordinate sums of money on Candy Grams, couples are whispering even more confessions of undying love than usual, and the latest issue of the school newspaper is a lovely shade of pink. Pheromones drift through the air like fairy dust, and hormones course through the veins of your peers like liquid emotion. Even you are afflicted. Normally, you wouldn’t have dared to send another message after the dreaded “seen” popped up three hours ago, but you tenaciously asked her out on chat yet again, with two winky faces this time 😉 ;). It’s obvious she’s just playing hard to get- she hasn’t even blocked you yet!

Don’t worry, dear reader, if you haven’t achieved this level of romantic prowess. Whether you’re Forever Alone, Okay Face, Socially Awkward Penguin, or some horrendous combination, things will always get better. One day, you’ll look back at your high-school self and laugh- “I didn’t even know how to kiss back then!” But that inexperience changes now. Brace yourself, because what follows is a complete guide to the art of kissing (or, as one Tumblr user eloquently stated, face-battling) written by an experienced expert. And not a moment too soon, because recent studies have shown that 99.999% of teenagers have had their first kiss, which means that you’re the only one left.

As a reminder, when I write “kissing,” I don’t mean expressions of friendship or familial affection. I’m talking about the real thing, the beautiful, exhilarating, dopamine-inducing statement of true love (true love is hard to define, but a poignant example is the bond between Romeo and Juliet, although having first met three days ago and starting a small war is neither required nor recommended).

        There are only three kinds of kissing: French, American, and Uzbekistanian. French kissing (what I will soon be teaching you) is most popular in America, American kissing (which is an expression of both love and freedom) is most popular in France, and Uzbekistanian kissing (which is the weirdest thing I have ever seen) is prevalent in the rest of the globe. French kissing is a refined and elegant practice that may take years to master, but the rewards are completely worth it. Sophomore Dhroovaa K describes the experience as “like you’re being hit by a radioactive train full of serotonin slushies,” while freshman Sameer Z believes it feels like “taking a cold shower outside when it’s raining during a meteor shower.” The two of them are the only correspondents in this article because coincidentally they have the highest kiss-counts in the western hemisphere. Personally, I find that the feeling of kissing can be most easily compared to eating a granola bar or achieving nirvana, but to each his own, right?

        And now, without further ado, the moment you have been waiting for. I will now reveal how to kiss, in easy-to-follow steps that even freshmen can understand.

0.     This is the preparation step. You must choose a victim, preferably a close platonic friend or your best friend’s significant other. Avoid strangers- after all, no one ever says “strangers with benefits.” Once you have a target, gaze deeply into his/her/its eyes, making sure to stare past the retina and into the optic nerves. Once the optic nerves are visible, smile and lick your lips, tasting the flavored chapstick you applied five minutes ago (studies show that vanilla, strawberry, and detergent work best), and pucker up.

 1.     Lean in close, caress your target’s earlobes, and maintain intimate eye contact.

 2.     Kiss.

 Deceptively simple, isn’t it? Those two steps (zero plus two equals two, duh) are all you need to know to become an excellent kisser. And once you have achieved that status, there is nothing you can’t do. Kissing is a life-long life skill that will last you your entire life. Is your boss going to fire you? Kiss your boss. Are you in prison for identity theft? Kiss the guard. Did your spouse find out that you were cheating on them? Sorry. All in all, I hope you realize how big of an impact this article will have on the rest of your life and the lives of your descendants. Feel free to express your eternal gratitude with a gift, donation, or a simple “thank you!” You can usually find me behind the 4000 building, doing what I do best- kissing somebody.