The perks of being alone on Valentine’s Day

“I am alone by choice,” says local man, covered in cheese puffs, ice cream and tears. “I could get a date at any time.” he claims, wearing a “Women Belong in the Kitchen” t-shirt.

Every year, millions of Americans spend Valentine’s Day by themselves, and it’s highly likely you’re one of them.

Don’t feel bad about being alone, it just means that you’re incapable of being loved. A life without romance is still livable, there are other things that can make you happy. Love and affection aren’t necessary this Valentine’s season, just a feeling of worthlessness while being weakly reminded yourself, “I just don’t want to be in a relationship with anyone.”

“Being alone is a decision I get to make. It allows me to devote all my time to playing Fortnite, the only thing in the world that still brings me joy.” declared Lou Surr.

Students at Dougherty Valley High School would agree that Fortnite is the single most important thing in the world.. You don’t have to be passionate about another person when you have a PS4. It’s better to come in second place during battle royale every time than to have your heart broken repeatedly.

If you’re not a fan of pointless video games, that’s alright. Maybe you’d enjoy what self-love advocate Dee Preshun has to say about her valentine – you guessed it, it’s herself.

“I hear people call me pathetic all the time, but I believe they’re just jealous that I have such a strong relationship with myself. I mean, how many people do you know cuddle themselves to sleep?” asks Dee Preshun as she holds her own hand.

If you’re so dead inside and full of self-hate, there are other things to look forward to when you see the red and pink boxes line up the shelves of your local drugstore. Longtime single lady Leone Lee describes it best.

“My favorite part about Valentine’s Day is getting to buy the discounted candies the day after,” says Leone Lee as she lays in bed with a ring of 50 percent off chocolate around her mouth, “I don’t need companionship when I can have diabetes.”

If you’re going to be crying over someone who doesn’t love you back, at least do it while eating cheap, crappy candy. Rejection is something that Dougherty students experience every day, mostly because they didn’t get accepted to the Ivy League they wanted to go to, what a tragedy. This Valentine’s Day, you should stay in and enjoy eating chocolate while you accept the fact that you will never end up with anyone and die alone.

So this year, embrace being alone. It doesn’t have to end in tears, although it probably will.