Things our editor wanted to satirize but can’t because they’re real

All of the stories in this column are entirely true

Liberals can’t believe that one of their presidents, Bill Clinton, was a purported sex offender as well.

– The Atlantic (Caitlin Flanagan)


“Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend — and maybe someday that will happen!”

– Donald Trump, President of the

United States


Trump has nominated a 36-year old lawyer who has never tried a case for a federal judgeship, ruled “not qualified” unanimously by the American Bar Association. The Senate Judiciary Committee recently approved him.

– New York Times (Vivian Wang)


Alabama Senate Candidate Roy Moore on whether he dated teenage girls in his 30’s: “Not generally, no” and never “without the permission of her mother”.

– Vox News (Jen Kirby)


After Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) was attacked, ostensilbliy for being a

Libertarian, he has recovered thanks to his government provided healthcare.

– Politico (Seung Min Kin)


The world’s eight richest people have more wealth than 50 percent of the world’s poorest. The vast majority of Americans believe capitalism is the best economic system.

– The Guardian (Larry Elliot)