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EPA declares D.C. swamp too large to drain

Vikram Balasubramanian, Staff Writer

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Breaking (Not) News— The EPA has recently ruled that the DC swamp cannot be drained. President Trump campaigning hard on cleaning up the slime and trash that walks all over Washington D.C.

A spokesman for the EPA stated, “These reptiles are an essential part of the D.C. ecosystem — removing them would devastate the natural order.”

Reptile Majority Leader Mitch McConnell expressed great pleasure at the recieving the news. “Congress is the true home for all these snakes. We belong here.” The Tribune tried to request further comment, but the senator slithered away into the undergrowth.

These reptiles hibernate for five years, and every sixth year, they come out for reelection.

This specimens have surprised scientists for years for being able to survive and stand up straight without a spine.

A dissection of a congressman revealed they were missing, among other viscera, guts, brains and a heart. In the heart’s place, they found a black mass, similar to carcinogenic tumor.

These unique organisms are here to stay in Washington D.C.

With the swamp unable to be drained, the president has decided to adopt the reptiles into his cabinet.

Steve Mnuchin is his Treasury Secretary pick, who seized a 90-year old woman’s house who failed to pay 27 cents for a mortgage (this is real), and then proceed to unhinge his python jaw, eating her alive (this is not).

Betsy Devos has received critical acclaim from teachers all across the country. After being a public school pet snake for 21 years, and serving her country as a state mascot, she was unanimously confirmed by the Senate. As President Trump put it, “Betsy has had a unique look into the classroom, through the glass of her cage. Well, now the reptile is out and ready to seek revenge on the children who imprisoned her by destroying their future and education. Make America Great Again!”

Many constituents have complained about the recent administration, but the masses have refuted this, claiming, in a Two Party System, at least one reptile was destined for the White House. The Clinton camp was unable to , as the former candidate was shedding her skin, her thick, thick skin. As the Onion reported, the Secretary was unable to answer the most basic questions. When she was confronted about her senate voting record, she threw A “Flash Grenade To Divert Attention From Question About Senate Voting Record”.

As the Onion reported, ““That’s an important question, Jorge, and one I’m happy to answer,” said the former secretary of state just as the military-grade M84 stun grenade exploded, emitting a deafening blast and blinding flash of white light that prevented anything on stage from being seen or heard for the duration of Clinton’s answer. After cowering with their hands over their ringing ears for approximately 70 seconds, rattled audience members, the debate’s moderators, and fellow candidate Bernie Sanders were said to have regained their vision and hearing just in time to make out the final sentence of Clinton’s response: “And that’s why I’ve always stood on the side of the middle class and working families.”” The ensuing chaos was perfect for the Clinton, as she slithered way on the debate stage. Later she said had just used the restroom, but our wise president knew the truth.

He said, ““I know where she went — it’s disgusting, I don’t want to talk about it,” Trump said. “No, it’s too disgusting. Don’t say it, it’s disgusting”.

The Trump campaign had fulfilled their greatest promise, to “Lock Her Up”, and donated the Former Secretary of Snakes to the New York Zoo, adjacent to the Trump tower. Coincidence!

As the New Yorker reported, Ben Carson, the new Housing and Urban Development Secretary, has no memory of running for president. As Andy Borowitz reported:

“Someone is trying to mess with my mind,” he said. “And when I find out who is doing that I will make them pay dearly.” While Carson insisted that “there is no way I ran for President,” he did not rule out running for the Republican nomination in the future.“I think I’d be really good at it,” he said.

Trump has hailed him as the model diversity he wants in his cabinet. Trump said, “Sure, he’s a black man, a genius, but he’s also human. I want his unique perspective as a non-reptile.”

Jeff Sessions (Attorney General), the only toad of them all. As an amphibian, he is able to live in two environments. The Deep South with the KKK, and the Senate, now also with the KKK. The first part of his life cycle was filled with white supremacy, but he has said he’s changed.

Elizabeth Warren tried hard to stop his confirmation in the Senate, passionately reading a letter from Coretta Scott King. In response, Mitch McConnell said, “She was warned. She was given an explanation. Nevertheless, she persisted” before sinking his fangs into her, ‘silencing’ her on the Senate floor.

Steve Bannon has praised all of these appointments, and said, “America is too politically correct. Finally, I can shed my skin in public,” he said before ripping his human mask off and sliding into the Oval Office. As we tried to follow him, the Tribune encountered a mangrove in the Oval Office, and discovered something amazing. Trump was able to drain the swamp, and he put it inside the White House.

So, next time you visit Washington D.C., skip the zoo, and marvel at nature’s wonders in the American heartland.

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EPA declares D.C. swamp too large to drain