When “Bluey” debuted in 2018, the TV program was heralded by parents as the greatest children’s show since “Sesame Street.” Seven years later, the cultural juggernaut rolls on – but could the happy-go-lucky Australian dog, star of the top-streamed show in the U.S. in 2024, be a greater threat than she seems?
You see, the Heeler family, as the titular character, her parents and her sister are known, are unpredictable enemies. Their television counterparts all present formulaic, harmless dangers. “Sesame Street”’s songs are too catchy. “Peppa Pig” gives children obnoxiously fake British accents. “Cocomelon” devours brain cells and eventually souls, but you don’t see high schoolers watching “Cocomelon,” do you?
Now, “Bluey,” on the other hand. Our dear, darling doggie. Grown adults binge entire seasons, gushing in entertainment blogs about the art style and the relationship dynamics between Bluey’s parents. Dougherty students wear Bluey sweatshirts to school. Bluey is coming to Disneyland, the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade and the shelves of consumers in a new line of Lego sets. Australia is printing her on its currency. Everyone’s on board, but this boat has holes in the bottom: massive, threatening holes.
The dangers begin with every seven-minute episode of the show, as the theme song plays. Bluey and her family dance together, and like their ensuing appearances throughout the rest of the show, the entire family is NAKED. The dogs are NAKED. They do laundry and play dress-up, but somehow fail to wear basic items of clothing. Encouraging nudism among innocent youths is setting a terrible precedent, and the menace doesn’t stop there.
Nudist animals might be excusable, but the show’s utter educational worthlessness is not. There is not a whit of academic value to the series. It’s a simple fact of life: when college admissions officers come calling, “Little Einsteins” and “Sid the Science Kid” will be ready. Bluey, to be blunt, will not. Instead of providing valuable standards-aligned educational content to our children, she lectures about… having fun? Being a kind person? Sorry to break it to you, Bluey, but kind people do not get into Ivy Leagues.
This laissez-faire approach to preparing our kids for their futures extends to Bandit and Chilli Heeler’s parenting styles. They’re just too nice to their children! Kids do not need to be respected and valued by the adults around them, they need to be brought in line. Real parents will obviously try to imitate the Heeler parenting, since everyone raises their children based on the guidance of fictional animals. And then where will society be?
Speaking of the inevitable collapse of society, should we follow “Bluey”’s course, it’s time to get to the heart of the matter. Bluey, the blue Blue Heeler, bluest of bluest blue animals, is nonetheless stated to be female. What is this woke gender indoctrination? “Blue is for boys,” I would wake up every morning and tell my kids, if I ever left my basement long enough to produce offspring. A blue “girl dog” disrupts basic early cognitive associations, almost as though the show doesn’t care about the political implications of arbitrarily assigned color palettes! Shame on them!
And where, we must consider, is all this propaganda coming from? That’s right – Australia. American children now dance to the tune of this continent-sized former prison. “Bluey”’s propaganda machine tries to paint it as an idyllic suburb, ignoring the swimming venomous snakes and spiders that can bite through human fingernails. What’s next, a preschool comedy set in Chernobyl?
From the bottom of my heart, I encourage everyone to stay far away from this franchise of doom. And ignore my Disney+ “For You” page, please. I watched all 154 “Bluey” episodes in a row, that’s all. For the sake of this article.
