In a shocking turn of events at Dougherty Valley High School, a once-promising student has practically vanished from the face of the Earth, locking himself up in his room over the course of dead week to study. When he finally emerged from his studying dojo on the Monday of his first final, the student was disheveled and his room was covered in pages upon pages of notes. Meet Willie Brainiac, a once average Dougherty student who has taken the term “buried in the books” quite literally, to the point of becoming a social pariah.
Brainiac, a self-proclaimed academic overachiever, has relentlessly pursued perfection on his midterms, allegedly stating that he “needed a 259% to claw back up to an A.” Friends and acquaintances of the enigmatic student have reported sightings of a hunched figure buried in mountains of textbooks and empty energy drink cans. On the very rare occasions when someone speaks to Brainiac, he’s barely able to maintain the conversation, only stuttering out the words “final” and “A,” before shutting down again.
The first signs of trouble emerged when Brainiac started carrying hundreds of packs of flashcards everywhere he went. It began with just a stack of index cards with definitions scrawled on them before it quickly devolved into numerous rings attached to his belt, all holding at least a hundred flashcards each. Eventually, Brainiac began flipping through multiple sets at the same time, all the while muttering the names of various ions, presidents and theorems. Many question whether this studying method works though, as the student reportedly began to refer to president John Adams as president John Atoms.
The symptoms of Brainiac’s social withdrawal have reached such an extreme level that Brainiac is bringing up random facts in casual conversations, leaving peers utterly bewildered. “I just wanted to know if he preferred pepperoni or sausage on their pizza, and suddenly I was being lectured on the economic implications of my food choices,” complained a frustrated classmate.
In addition to the students, the adults at DVHS are now grappling with the challenge of integrating Brainiac back into the social fabric of the school, as he has totally disassociated from classes. “We are exploring innovative methods, such as hosting a ‘Social Interaction 101’ seminar and reintroducing the lost art of small talk,” a counselor in the Wellness Center stated, “We believe with time and patience, Brainiac can be coaxed out of the shell he’s trapped himself in.”
News of Brainiac’s condition spread like wildfire throughout the school, prompting some students to take preventative measures. One student was overheard saying, “I’m cutting back on studying immediately. I can’t risk turning into a walking encyclopedia who only knows how to bubble in answer sheets.”
As the DV community rallies to bring Brainiac back from the brink of social isolation, one can only hope that this cautionary tale serves as a stark reminder to students everywhere – there is such a thing as too much studying. After all, what’s the point of acing every exam if you end up friendless and buried in a pile of papers?
