On October 31, 2023, the fate of Dibuya Valley High School (DVHS) Senior Lin Somnya, 17, was sealed in what would be dubbed the “Dibuya Incident”: she was expelled from her school due to her unobtainable luxury of excess sleep at three hours 14 minutes a night on average according to her classmate, Senior Awnhur Wyndoe, 18.

Normally, this level of punishment would be uncalled for outside of the state of Ohio since Somnya isn’t a sophomore or junior, but the mitigation of this trait towards her expulsion has been irreversibly tainted by the fact that Somnya is currently enrolled in a seven AP course schedule and isn’t flunking. 

She usually woke up at 7:45 a.m., averaged 11 minutes 2 two seconds on various social media platforms, and then did her morning routine and ate breakfast from around 7:56 to 8:19 a.m.. Using hidden GPS trackers as well as cameras hidden within all of Somnya’s shoes, Wyndoe jotted down that she would walk to and remain at school or occasionally hang out with friends until 4:27 p.m., where she would then walk her then seven months, two days old dog, Skippy (called Skip within the Somnya household) for 1 hour 17 minutes before eating dinner with her family of seven until 6:45 p.m. (Wyndoe noted observing Somnya delivering food to the room across from hers on the second floor, making eight members in her house). Somnya would then end her day with karaoke calls with her friends and ASMR videos before doing homework and sleeping at around 4:29 a.m., usually in a fetal position but sometimes on her back on colder nights. It was thanks to Wyndoe’s coincidental research that led to Somnya’s guise as a studious individual being blown up, and Wyndoe received a real-life get-out-of-jail free card from the city council. Most crucially, Wyndoe’s report specifically detailed Somnya’s highly above-average sleep schedule considering her workload, raising suspicions over the legitimacy of her schoolwork as a student in her situation sleeping that long is statistically, and therefore factually, impossible.

The combination of her school workload along with her ongoing college applications to an alleged 137 colleges nationwide “completely warranted the end of her life academic career,” a comment that Colorado Senator Armstrong further approved upon with his recommendation that Somnya should’ve applied to “play college ball, you know” rather than her alleged STEM college major selections.

This incident has divided the Ban Damon community, with many parents chanting “Here at Dibuya Valley, this is NOT who we are. WE are better than this. Go Wild Rats!” However, many students have started protesting against Somnya’s return: “We don’t want that! We want her to stay expelled! For the next ten years at least!” DVHS Junior Wyde Awayke, 35, the leader of the pro-expulsion movement, issued a statement in the local Safeway parking lot right before being arrested for indecent exposure, stating that Somnya had set unrealistic expectations for everyone else on campus, and that her actions of existing counted as a form of discrimination to “all of us righteous, proud, 0.6 GPA patriots!” with chants of “What a man you are!” following this act of patriotic heroism.

As of November 9, 2023, Somnya hasn’t released an official statement regarding this matter. However, on her Myspace, 4chan and Schoology profile, she linked a youtube video of Homelander’s “I’M NOT JUST LIKE THE REST OF YOU” speech,  sparking debates over the meaning of this development. However, Somnya’s close friend, fellow Senior Donella J. Biden, 7, reported to school administrators a call between the two where Biden had inquired about Somnya’s stance on her own situation, in which she responded with “Nah, I’d win.”

As the story unfolds, we here at The Wildrat Tribune will continue to keep tabs on this DVHS tragedy. However, as we also saw here between Wyndoe and Awayke’s contributions to combat Somnya’s abuse of the Omerican school system, from ashes rises heroes. I’m Leo Xiao, and you’re watching Bisney Channel.