DISCLAIMER: This is a work of satire.

Everyone wants to get into the tech industry. The allure of earning high wages, having a stable job and the potential to become the next Elon Musk or Bill Gates are very difficult to resist. But it’s very hard to stand out among the millions of potential software developers and IT technicians.

The Silicon Valley tech industry has been trailblazing through new territory. These consist of some of the most lucrative businesses in the world, including dozens of Fortune 500 companies. So, to help you out with your journey to become the CEO of the next tech giant, we’ve compiled a list of some of the least competitive (yet financially rewarding) tech jobs that will be sure to fulfill your dreams.

Code Whisperer 

Being a programmer can be a really rewarding career choice, except for the times you want to annihilate everything in sight because of an annoyingly well-hidden bug in your code. Tech start-ups that can’t afford to waste time getting stuck on bugs have been hiring code whisperers in massive numbers. Code whisperers are extremely rare, talented individuals with the extraordinary ability to detect bugs in code just by placing their ear next to the computer monitor. Many whisperers are born with the ability to hear the faint chirp of the bug from behind the screen, while others gain this skill through years of grad school and intense boot camps. 

Qualifications required for the job listed above:

• Strong ability to whisper to code 

You will be asked to take a hearing test at the interview, along with your experience at other companies. 

Annual salaries start at $200,074 

reCAPTCHA Graphic Designer

Many illegal scams and black market operations rely heavily on automated scripts to create fake accounts on social media platforms and other websites. One way of preventing these scripts from taking over the Internet is known as reCAPTCHA, which asks users to decipher manipulated text or pick images that contain specific objects to distinguish human users from automated applications. In order to effectively screen automated applications, tech companies need human graphic designers to hand-make unique tests for users to complete. If you would like to help humanity’s reCAPTCHA control in the fight against an AI takeover, or if you would simply like to make everybody’s day a bit more annoying, designing reCAPTCHAs is the right job for you.

Qualifications required for the job listed above:

• Artistic creativity
• Bachelor’s Degree in AI Psychology

The median annual starting salary for this job is $2,600,000.

Metaverse Security Liaison

With the creation of the Metaverse as part of an exaggerated marketing campaign by Mark Zuckerberg, the idea of having a life online to escape all reallife problems never sounded better! Zuckerberg created a solution for something that was not a problem. For obvious reasons, his solution was to provide jobs for people in an extended reality. With an influx of people joining the Metaverse for the time, Meta is hiring security liaisons to neutralize hacker attacks and money laundering in the Metaverse. A brand new reality is vulnerable to crime, and security liaisons would respond to threats and crimes in the Metaverse with striking force.

Qualifications required for the job listed above:

• Strong conscience
• Decision-making
• Teamwork

The median annual starting salary for this job is $210,000. 

Human Rubber Duck

One skill that all humans have from the second they are born is buoyancy. These days, people who get computer science degrees from top universities typically opt for software engineering jobs in hopes of somehow being able to make the world a better place. 

Debugging is a significant pitfall that comes with being a programmer. Cheap, smaller, software companies use actual rubber duck toys to which a programmer explains their code to. This process helps them discover the location of the bug by allowing the programmers to “think out loud.” However, larger companies such as Google and Apple have begun to employ humans to play the role of a rubber duck. 

Qualifications required for the job are listed below: 

• Communication (As in no communication: has to stay quiet at all times) 
• Strong lungs as you will need to breathe into speakers to remind the programmer that they are being watched
• Counting as you will need to be able to track the lines of code (up to 100,000 lines)
• Buoyancy

The starting salary for this position is $100 per bug. 

Artificial Intelligence Discourser

The ever growing presence of virtual assistants such as Siri, Cortana and Alexa in the pockets of every single person in the world demands a never-ending supply of conversational data for the machine learning that the applications depend on. If you’d like to help Siri answer queries ranging from issues as simple as the weather, to questions as profound as the origin of life itself, or if you just want an objective, unjudging companion to talk to at work, becoming an AID is perfect for you.

Qualifications for becoming an AID:

• Strong conversational skills  
• Creativity for supplying the virtual assistant with a constant barrage of questions

The median annual starting salary for this job is $910,000.