Hello DV students!

Happy Holidays from the Advice Column team! We wish you the best of luck on your finals, and we hope you enjoy your winter break. We apologize for the delay in posting.

The Advice Column will return to a regular posting schedule after Winter Break.

Disclaimer: The advice of the Wildcat Tribune Advice Column is provided by students, for students. While we have your best interests in mind, and we will try our best to help you, we are not expert sources for more serious topics. Our advice is intended to support you and help guide your decisions, but you are in no ways obligated to take it. Please email the Tribune if you feel the need to reach out for any kind of help or follow up for any inquiries.

The Weekly Advice Column team always tries to consider the inquiries they receive with due respect, and thus may have elected to give further consideration to certain inquiries in place of prematurely publishing a lacking response.

This week, the team received questions that we felt were particularly serious. Above all else, we urge the askers of these questions to seek out help from the school psychologists or counselors if they do not have the ability to see other medical professionals.

Topics discussed in this week’s column include mental health and abuse. Please keep this in mind when reading if you are sensitive to these issues.

Q: What are the best gifts to bribe my teachers with?? I need that 89.5 to be rounded up, but I have no idea what gifts I should use to bribe!!!!! Should I just give a stack of cash or do teachers prefer a brand new car??? I need my A’s for my sense of validation and in order to get into my dream college of Harvard. Has anyone figured out how to game the teacher system??

– trYHaRd2200

A: Dear trYHaRd2200,

Get down on one knee before your teacher. Take out a small, black velvet box from your back pocket. Open it. Take out your final that you studied two weeks for and scored above a 90% on from it. Unfold it. Give it to your teacher. Wish them a happy holiday. Leave for winter break.

Teacher system “gamed”.

You’re welcome.

— Sarah Kim

Q: how much tacobell is too much asking for a friend

– tacobell boy

A: Dear tacobell boy,

Any Taco Bell is probably too much Taco Bell.

Best,

Taylor

Q: hi sarah

– elvis 

Hey, babe.

— Sarah Kim

Q: I accidentally punched my girlfriend into one of the drums in the band room. I’ve hidden the broken drum but it’s only a matter of time before it gets discovered. I’m going to stanford from early early early admissions and I can’t have this on my pristine record. Is there anyway I can pin this on my girlfriend? Do you guys know how to get rid of a concert bass drum??????? I don’t think it’s flammable. 

– drummerboy

A: Dear drummerboy,

You said you “don’t think” it’s flammable, but have you actually tried? Also, please apologize to your girlfriend.

Sincerely,

Taylor

Q: So I like a boy. And he’s 18 and in college. But I’m in my sophomore year. We were face timing late at night and he was drunk (he was in Europe at the time so it was legal). I ended up confessing to him that I liked him and he told me he liked me too. I knew it wouldn’t work since he’s so much older so I asked where this would go. He told me it wouldn’t matter in 10 years and that ‘it would be a fun story to tell’ my friends. The other day we hung out and were so close to kissing but didn’t. He texted me later saying I’m too young. But at this point I like him too much :/ We still hold hands and he’ll flirt- there’s just so many mixed signals.. Sometimes he won’t talk to me for days at a time but other times he’ll tell me how much he missed me and we will talk to each other for hours everyday. I don’t know if I should keep trying to make something happen, or to just forget it. HELPP! 

– Amber Hethers

A: Dear Amber Hethers,

Don’t make anything happen. Yes, boys our age aren’t as shiny and pretty as the 18-year-old ones but trust me, the bail, and the paperwork won’t be worth it. It seems painful to give up now but it’s not worth it and it even sounds toxic. I say get yourself out of that situation ASAP and find someone else that isn’t old enough to be your older brother.

-Harshita

Dear Amber Hethers,

Like Harshita, I would advise leaving this relationship. Sure, the age gap of a few years seems minimal in the grand scheme of things, but it has a lot more consequences when one person in the relationship is a minor while the person you’re seeing is an adult. Besides the significant age gap, I would advise you leave this relationship for your own emotional health. Anyone that is constantly giving you mixed signals is probably not someone who is truly invested in committing to anything.

Sincerely,

Taylor

Q: My throat is killing me ever since I sat next to a friend who collapsed from sickness. What are some ways I can do to sooth my sufferings? I also am starting to cough up blood, but that’s a normal cold symptom right?? WebMd says I have cancer but my english teacher says that’s not a good enough resource to cite.

– sickChicken

Dear sickChicken,

Your English teacher is right. Don’t stress, but based on the symptoms you’ve described, we’re guessing you somehow contracted the plague. Yikes! Better make the most of your last couple months (or days).

Best,

Sarah and Taylor

Q: I’m in need of a great deal of money because I am being held ransom. $1480000!! but I obviously don’t have this much money. Is there any way to get this money fast?? I’ve already sold off 90% of my body, my brother, and my second cousin. REALLY DESPERATE!!

– moneyhobo

A: Dear moneyhobo,

Ask the people who are holding you “ransom” if they really think you’re worth that much. The answer is no. Now you are free.

You’re welcome.

— Sarah Kim

Q: How do I die? The love of my life is going to Stanford while i’m going to DVC and he definitely hates me and I want to marry him. I’m not sure if we’re dating or not and I’m trying to make a potion to make him fall in love with me. Any suggestions on what ingredients I should put in it??/? 

– boylover345

A: Dear boylover345,

The known ingredients of the love potion are as follows:

• Ashwinder Eggs
• Rose Thorns
• Peppermint
• Powdered Moonstone
• Pearl Dust

Do keep in mind that this potion is banned at Hogwarts, but sneaking around may get you some. This is an advanced potion and therefore is hard to make but if you’re REALLY determined, you’ll get it.

– Harshita

Q: how do i seem smart? Everyone in dougherty is a nerd and I don’t blend in well. What are some ways u would advise my undercover assignment? Do I need to take 10 APs with some honors and DVC on the side?? Also do i need to solve cancer and/or AIDS??? 

– [redacted]

A: Dear [redacted],

Sorry, 10 APs won’t suffice. Try 15.

Best,

Taylor

Q: Are watermelons a fruit or a vegetable? 

– [redacted]

A: Dear [redacted],

Ask them.

— Sarah Kim

Q: My throat is killing me ever since I sat next to a friend who collapsed from sickness. What are some ways I can do to sooth my sufferings? I also am starting to cough up blood, but that’s a normal cold symptom right?? WebMd says I have cancer but my english teacher says that’s not a good enough resource to cite.

– sickChicken

Dear sickChicken,

Your English teacher is right. Don’t stress, but based on the symptoms you’ve described, I’m guessing you somehow contracted the bubonic plague. Yikes! Better make the most of your last couple months (or days).

Best,

Sarah and Taylor

Q: I want to get people to subscribe to Pewdiepie so that he can beat T Series, but whenever I try no one cares. How can I get people to subscribe? 

– Sub to PewDiePie

A: Dear Sub to PewDiePie,

Hack into their accounts and subscribe. This is too intense to just “ask” people to subscribe, you hack and subscribe. Pewdiepie needs to beat T Series.

Good luck,

Harshita

Q: How are you today? 

– a cat

A: Dear a cat,

Yes.

— Sarah Kim

Q: my PE grade is suffering because since I’m abused and have scars, I can’t change in the locker room and have too much pride to change in the bathrooms, I don’t trust the teachers or counselors and I’m not looking for a permanent solution, I just want to get my grade back up how can I fix this? 

– tripleA

Hey tripleA,

I felt uncomfortable changing infront of people too and the way I fixed it was I sort of wore pants underneath (I wore black leggings everyday to school so I didn’t have to do much changing) so no one could see my legs, and I just threw on my P.E shirt over my regular shirt and then threw a sweatshirt on top of it (i know layers and all but for me it was better than changing). If the teacher asks just say you’re wearing the P.E shirt underneath. What I’m trying to say is that I’d reccommend wearing clothes to school that are easy to do P.E in and throw on your P.E clothes on top of them. It also depends on who your teacher is, my teacher was really easy but he also left so there may be a chance your teacher wouldn’t accept that.

-Harshita

Dear tripleA,

This is a collective response from the team. You mentioned that you are being abused or were abused in the past. We know you “don’t trust the teachers or counselors,” but we still hope that you can reach out to someone. We would recommend that you reach out to an anonymous crisis hotline if you can’t speak to someone on campus. We have listed the contact information below. These people would be able to give you professional advice, at any time of the day that you may need support.

If you are open to it, we would urge you to meet with an on-campus psychologist, or other medical professional. You can also meet with trusted adults, like Mr. Ianora—the Student Support Services counselor—or our adviser, Ms. Decker.

You mentioned not feeling comfortable changing in the bathroom, but if you feel obligated to participate in P.E., don’t feel bad about changing in the bathroom. Most people don’t really pay attention to others, and they’re likely just as self-conscious as you. However, do what you need to do to feel more secure.

Sincerely,

The Advice Column Team

The Contra Costa Crisis Center ( available 24 hours)

• Free, confidential crisis and suicide hotline
• Available 24-hours a day. There’s always someone to talk to
• Also for information + referral services, grief counseling
• Call 800-833-2900 or text HOPE to 2012

DVHS Counseling Department links for personal support

• https://dvhs.schoolloop.com/psupport

Q: How do you find a purpose to keep living if the one person in the whole world you cared about rejected you?

– SofieDossiFan

Hey SofieDossiFan,

I think you should start from finding a purpose within yourself. Now, I know that sounds very Hallmark-y but here me out! The person that rejected you doesn’t know you more than you know yourself, so why do they get to be the center of your life? I mean, why are they important to you more than you are important to yourself? I think it’s unfair on yourself to have to find purpose in life in someone else when you’re there for yourself constantly. If that confused you, let me explain. You shouldn’t want to live your life because someone is in it, and they shouldn’t be the thoughts that consume your life. You need to realise that once you start putting your health (mental and physical), and your life goals above everyone else, you will find that purpose. I’ve been where you are, and in a few ways I still am, but you have to realise that you’re better and are always going to be better than the people you put above yourself.

– Harshita

Below is a collective response from the Advice Column team.

You mentioned having difficulty finding “a purpose to keep living.” We would like to provide you with advice from Mr. Ianora, the Student Support Counselor. We urge you to try to reach out to a trusted adult and find multiple people you can speak to if you’re struggling. Have conversations with them about your feelings, as isolation and not talking to anyone isn’t healthy. We have listed some resources below for support.

Sincerely,

The Advice Column Team

The Contra Costa Crisis Center ( available 24 hours)

• Free, confidential crisis and suicide hotline
• Available 24-hours a day! There’s always someone to talk to
• Also for information + referral services, grief counseling
• Call 800-833-2900 or text HOPE to 2012

DVHS Counseling Department links for personal support

• https://dvhs.schoolloop.com/psupport