Every year, millions of Americans, whose ancestors so bravely conquered every continent for exotic spices, sit down to eat the blandest food known to man.

This ritual is known as Thanksgiving. It’s a time of celebration, a time to remember the peace-loving festival of the first Americans. Squanto, as he lead the pilgrims, gave them food and shelter. He taught them how to grow crops in the strange soil and live in the harsh wilderness.

In return, the white men thanked him with a feast, a cornucopia loaded with bread, wine and disease that would eventually exterminate every member of his family, thus destroying the tribe’s oral tradition. What a momentous occasion in American history!

Hundreds of years ago, Americans celebrated the Pequot Massacre, which has been directly linked to the creation of Thanksgiving. As the Governor of the Bay Colony put it, “A day of thanksgiving. Thanking God that they eliminated over 700 men, women and children.”

Professor Robert Jensen of the University of Texas at Austin embraces a new idea for the U.S. moving forward: “One indication of moral progress in the United States would be the replacement of Thanksgiving Day and its self-indulgent family feasting with a National Day of Atonement accompanied by a self-reflective collective fasting.”

This is a time to invite the entire family. Welcome family members!

Carol Mathers, avid Fox News follower and the family racist. She would have voted for David Duke if he ran, but since he didn’t, she voted for Trump. She locks the car doors every time a black person walks by and walks on the other side of the street when a Muslim-American walks past her. In her spare time, she enjoys knitting, picket-fencing and spending time with her one token black friend. She comes to Thanksgiving every year.

Don’t forget Uncle Jimmy! Have you heard of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ? Well, after inviting Uncle Jimmy, I’m sure you have. He comes in bearing a bottle of water–insistent it will turn into wine. One year, we decided to donate to a soup kitchen. With thousands to feed, he decided to bring five loaves of bread and two fishes. Go figure.

It’s pretty worrisome if Cousin Evan comes. As the science bowl National Champion, Varsity Quarterback, perfect SAT scorer and prodigy musician, he’s the talk of the family. This eventually leads to the inevitable: “So, [inferior member of the family,] what have you been doing in school?”

So this Thanksgiving, remember to cozy up by the fire as the leaves turn red, and appreciate the fun, happy times with family.

Good thing you’re not cursed over an ancient Indian burial ground spanning the length of the entire country.