Student at Dougherty Valley have some of the worst sleep schedules ever. The balance of sleep, social life, and academic responsibilities are out of whack. Students are turning into zombies after staying up until 4:30 am to cram in that last bit of information in before their A period tests. Thankfully, the Tribune has a solution. This will make sure you score 110% on every single test you take.

The Tattoo:

One good way to pass your classes is to permanently mark yourself with the answers to your exam. Let your teacher know that they can’t stifle you self expression, even if it doesn’t correspond with oppressive “School Policy.” Plus, you never know when you’re going to need the unit circle again!

The Ouija Board:

Another good method is contacting the spirits of the dead to get their opinions. Bring your ouija board and candles to class and perform a seance right in the comfort of your desk. Not only will you know what lead to the civil war, you’ll also have a (probably racist) ghost living in eternal damnation as a lifelong pal. It’s well worth the cost of selling your soul!

The Vents:

Forgot to study for that sixth period test? Have a friend with an A through 5th period schedule climb into a vent and whisper the answers to you. The only complication is that you HAVE to be sitting near the vent. If you’re not, someone else will get the answers, which will inevitably mess up the curve for you and everyone else.

The Eyeliner:

If you’re more skilled with liquid eyeliner than you are with calculus, this is the perfect method for you. Write the formulas you neglected to memorize on your eyelids backwards. Bring a pocket mirror into class and cheat by looking at that perfect makeup. (And don’t worry about your teacher finding out. They’ll probably just think you’re vain.)

Mirrors:

All true crimes require stealth, precision, and planning. Good grades are no different. For this hack, you’ll first need to break into the school in the middle of the night, leaving no fingerprints or any traces at all. The slightest mistake will release the horrible admin upon you, guaranteeing life in prison- or worse, a bad college. After you enter the classroom where you have a test, you must place seven (no more, no less) mirrors on the ceiling strategically angled towards that one smart kid (you know, that one show-off that got into Stanford AND Harvard), and leave in the dead of night.

Camouflage:

This one is perfect for your everyday invisible look.. (Steal her look; Gucci camo pants 2016: $700; Supreme camo joggers; $2000; Sephora camo makeup palette: $500) Call in sick, then sneak in full camouflage into your classroom. Peak over the shoulder of the smartest kid in class without making a sound. No one will even see that you’re there! However, make sure you are in completely full camo. It won’t work if you walk in without a camo shirt and people scream when seeing a floating torso glide into the room.

Actually study:

Ha! Now THAT’S satire!