Amateur food reviewers Amanda Su and Karen Wang, after tackling Persimmon Place and Homeroom Mac ‘n’ Cheese, take on their biggest challenge yet: The DV Lunch Room.

If you’re hungry during lunch time at Dougherty Valley, any local foodie will point you to Berkeley, then San Francisco, then Oakland, then maybe even the Safeway Plaza. But DV administration will kindly and gently redirect that finger to Dougherty’s one of own fine dining establishments: the Lunch Room and the Vending Machines. The Tribune has reviewed the classier of the two, the Lunch Room, to let you know if it’s worth it. Because you’re worth it.

Ambience and Service:

Upon entering the Lunch Room, customers are instantly greeted by the faint smell of sweat, blood, tears and battle, surrounded by state-of-the-art plastic brown wall decor and gray linoleum floors.

The process of purchasing one’s meal is tedious, but this is a result of the Lunch Room’s extraordinary success in attracting obsessed and devoted customers, some of whom never fail to take advantage of the Lunch Room’s kindness and generosity by storing 20 complimentary juice boxes in their pockets and bags and leaving the weak, the lonely and the ‘late’ with only milk.

The Lunch Room not only enjoys providing “healthy” meal options, but also healthy competition. In attempt to make Dougherty more fit, the Lunch Room upholds “survival of the fittest” as its motto, serving the quicker customers (tiny and nimble freshmen) and the tougher (aggressive seniors) who can get to front of the line first. Customers with other members of their ‘pack’ already towards the front of the lines are able to join them up higher in the food line and on the ‘food chain,’ as nature takes its course. After all, only those who fight — and fight dirty — can feed.

After purchasing their meals, customers are expected to seat themselves around octagonal plastic tables. Because circles are far too basic for the geometry-savvy Dougherty population. It is a bit difficult to get seats in the Lunch Room. However, there are unspoken “senior” citizen benefits, seeing as the Lunch Room tends to prioritize indoor seating for the “elderly” members of our community. Nonetheless, outdoor seating is available and often times forced, especially when customers attempt to sneakily buy their meals ‘to-go’ and eat them near their lockers in the comfort of their own homes and ‘buildings.’

The Lunch Room also takes extensive measures to ensure the safety, happiness and wellbeing of their customers. This can be seen through the extraordinarily helpful and friendly warning signs above microwaves stating “Food is very hot.” It really shows they care!

Food:

The Lunch Room’s diverse menu caters to — and satisfies — many different interests.

There is the Amazing Wok, for those who want to connect directly to their Asian heritage through orange chicken and brown rice.

But the Lunch Room does not limit itself to the Asian dining experiences. Hamburgers (and veggie burgers!), which come with wedge chips and onion rings, offers customers the ultimate American experience, as well as a great deal. The bread on the hamburger buns takes perfectly moist to a new level: completely soggy. A drink and a meal in one!

Lastly, to prevent Dougherty students from being exposed to the horror (the horror!) of crust on their sandwiches, the Lunch Room offers Smuckers PB&J Uncrustables. The Lunch Room is truly a safe space.

While the Lunch Room’s everyday offerings are substantial, they also make a strong effort to spice things up with daily specials in the form of even more ethnic foods, in lieu of actually spicing things up (and seasoning their food). Such offerings include the coveted Chow Mein and Poblano Taquitos.

The Lunch Room also takes health very seriously. Any bread available is sure to be whole grain, which cancels out all the unwholesome things sandwiched in between.  As a side, the Lunch Room offers salad, which is great, but some serious portion control needs to take place. (A whole six pieces of lettuce!) The Lunch Room also forces students to take fruit, which is unfortunately impossible for students to finish due to generous portions of entrees. But, the Lunch Room’s fruit offerings are extremely versatile, so students can use the fruit to practice their hand-eye coordination by throwing it into the garbage cans or to decorate the floors of the 3000 building.

Price:

As previously reported in the Wildcat Tribune, this price of a lunch has risen from $4.00 in previous years to $4.75. It doesn’t matter if this is reasonable or not, because the Lunch Room only faces competition from its sister restaurant, the Vending Machines, which offers bags of 90 percent air and 10 percent Chex Mix for the highly inflated price of $1.75. So, for students seeking a better deal, the Lunch Room is the way to go (since they can’t just go home).

Tips:

• Line too long? Just don’t go.
• Mimic the freshmen and dash out of the classroom right when the bell rings, rolling backpacks blazing across the quad at the speed of light and everything. Conversely, mimic the seniors and just bulldoze your way to the front.
• To prevent cutting, latch onto person in front of you in the line and never let go. If someone tries to cut in front of you, just hiss. Don’t even say anything. Just hiss.