Dear Reader,
It still doesn’t feel real to me that I’m a senior — that somehow, months from now, I will be walking across the stage in the football field with my diploma in hand.
I blame the pandemic for this. The whole world got put on hold when I was 11, and while we no longer stand six feet apart, I still feel like I’m 11, waiting for One Direction to perform for their ten-year anniversary. Yes, I was in fact a very passionate One Direction fan, and to be honest, their songs are still pretty fun to listen to.
So it’s only fitting that I use their songs to say goodbye to my childhood.
I always expected that when I started senior year, I would be filled with this newfound confidence and maturity, but the first day of school came and went, and yet I felt the same. There was no big switch from junior year to senior — it just faded into one another. I walked out of my sixth-period final, and by the time I was down the awkward steps, I was already a senior.
Summer made it even more confusing. I started my college application process, considering what my future was going to look like. I was in Iowa for a week-long debate tournament with the graduating seniors, feeling like a quivering freshman again. I was sitting in my room with a coloring page, reconsidering the choices that led me there.
Summer was rough.
It’s weird in school, too. Teachers treat seniors like we’re 18, but my mom still treats me like I’m 11. So, how old am I actually?
I’m 17 (allegedly), but I’ve learned it doesn’t matter how I feel because I’m old enough to apply to college, and that’s all that matters. It’s great!
So, I have no clue how I’m supposed to act my age. Some days I feel like I’m 14 again with the weight of it all suffocating me, and some days I feel like the bright, wide-eyed 10-year-old I used to be. I walk around with my “Lilo & Stitch” backpack, but it’s filled with papers about college. I’m one big walking contradiction.
But I love my Lilo+Stitch backpack, so I don’t care. I can be 17 years old and still listen to the One Direction playlist I made years ago. I can have “Tangled” running on the TV while I continue to work on essays that will decide where I’m going to be for the next four years.
There’s always a constant stream of thoughts in my head about whether I’m acting too childish or acting older than I should be. But as I make my way through senior year, I find myself struggling to answer with certainty how I’m acting.
And so, as someone who absolutely hates questions they can’t answer, I’ve decided to come up with my own mantra: I can be 17 years old and still refreshing Harry Styles’ Instagram for new music, and also be a mature senior who has hopefully one thing figured out. And if that one thing is how to write an email properly, then that’s okay!
One thing I’m slowly learning is that there are no absolutes, especially when it comes to senior year, so I guess I won’t be acting my age for quite some time.
Until next time,
Kayal Kumaravel
