Hi there, reader! Nice to see you too. You’re looking great today, as well! Thank you, thank you. Now, the question I’m sure you’re burning to ask, the inquiry that makes your soul burn with curiosity, the answer that will fill you with deep, emotional joy to obtain – yes, I’m about to tell you how I spent my weekend.
You see, I was abducted by government agents on my way home from school Friday. They took me to a top-secret research facility, where they experimented on me to find the source of the mysterious magic lasers I could control through specially applied acrylic nails. Then, suddenly, the roof caved in as I was rescued by my long-lost twin and her band of cyborg warriors, all riding dragons!
I woke up Saturday morning aboard a pirate ship, sailing through the Great Sea That Rests Between the Universes. The ship belonged to the cyborgs (they used to all drive identical white Teslas but have now disavowed Elon Musk). I spent the morning on deck, learning how to use my newfound powers to fight against the armies of villainy – because trust me, salad for breakfast is no longer the ultimate evil in existence. Or so I’ve been told.
My training was interrupted when the ship was attacked by a zombie kraken that mind-controlled the entire cyborg crew into turning against me. Yes, this includes my sister, although I don’t know if she was actually under the hypnosis or just got fed up with me really, really quickly. I went on the run (on the sail? On the swim?) in a lifeboat with my new enemies in hot pursuit.
Fortunately, I was beamed up to safety by a coterie of alien lifeforms. They were also resisting the government agents, whom it turned out were being controlled by the zombie kraken as well. Just in time for dinner too! What a small world. I did my laundry on board the flying saucer because weekend chores don’t vanish when you teleport into another dimension, then slept the night in cryogenic stasis.
After the aliens dropped me off, I munched my Sunday brunch in a haunted house full of the disgruntled ghosts of the kraken’s victims, who bestowed on me the Orb of Slightly-Less-Than-Infinite Power. That particular dinglehopper can kill anything in existence, but conveniently may only be used once. It’s a nasty little McGuffin; also, for the record, ghosts make excellent avocado toast.
However, my twin and the rest of the cyborgs pulled up in government helicopters and stormed the haunted house. The ghosts held them off with the power of friendship and off-brand Lucky Charms cereal. Meanwhile, I made my final preparations and crammed for my APUSH test, because of my famous good judgment and clearly defined priorities.
At 2 p.m., I left the house, charged the Kraken, and unleashed the Orb. Instead of the Kraken, the god-tier shockwave hit my zombie cyborg twin by accident. However, through previously undisclosed means, her dragon saved her life. We threw the Kraken through a portal into the Plane of Nightmares – no, not the dimension, it’s that one Hello Kitty jet you can ride in Taiwan. The day, saved!
We held a massive Sunday dinner party of liberated zombie government agents, cyborgs, aliens and ghosts onboard the flying saucer, as it was the only location that wasn’t completely destroyed by that point. We feasted upon divine delights, such as midnight Milky Way bars and those wings the cafeteria serves on Tuesdays. I bade farewell to my new friends and relatives across the multiverse. Today, I was late to school because I had a dentist appointment.
Lowkey, it was pretty fun. Kinda average, y’know? But seriously, I love being asked this question every week. It’s always such a great opportunity to share deep and meaningful weekend experiences, those that really impacted us and that the other person genuinely wants to hear about.
Now, I imagine your two-day sojourn away from school was just as epic and scintillatingly brilliant as mine.
Oh, you loitered at Safeway with your situationship and random family friends? That’s nice.
