Dear reader,
Are we there yet?
It feels like we’re always asking that question. Whether it’s at the end of a road trip, in the middle of a school year or near the weekend. We want the future to come faster, for what’s ahead of us to become clear, comfortable and easy. In short, we’re all waiting for life to happen to us.
I’ve started to hate waiting. Coming from a senior who spent the last few months anticipating college decisions, I am entirely done with any sort of wait whatsoever. Or at least that’s what I thought until I received waitlist invitations. Apparently, I didn’t wait long enough — I have two more months ahead of me before college decision season is finally over. It’s even more grueling than the original decision process because now I know that I do have a chance to go to my top schools. But only if I happen to be one of the few who make it off the waitlist. I’ve been driving myself crazy with the what-ifs and what I should’ve done to get admitted the first time around. The process seems never-ending. Lately, the subject of college has been looking pretty bleak.
But I can’t spend more time waiting for something that might never happen. There’s too much uncertainty to pin my hopes on a faint possibility. I have to treat it like a rejection and focus on something sure.
To any senior reading this: I apologize for bringing up the seemingly inescapable topic of college. We’re all sick of hearing about who’s going where and who got rejected. So I promise this will be the last time I talk about it in this column.
I’m still torn between the waitlists and acceptances. But I know that this time next year, I’ll be in a dorm at least 400 miles from San Ramon. Things will be very different, hopefully for the better. I’m going to be okay.
Don’t get me wrong — it’s a good thing to look forward to the future. But we do it to the point of ignoring what we have in the present. And I don’t want to be a passive viewer of my own life, waiting and watching for things to happen. I’m trying to balance my anticipation of the future with appreciation for what I have now.
And I will (hopefully) be able to let go of the nagging questions about what could’ve happened if only I’d gotten off that one waitlist. We’re all haunted by other not-college-related what-ifs. What if I hadn’t made that joke? What if I had studied for that test? What if I had taken different classes, played another sport, introduced myself to a different person?
But what if everything worked out exactly the way it was supposed to?
I’m tired of waiting for something else to happen. The what-ifs are pointless. This version of my life is where I ended up. This is the person I became, and there’s no use waiting for a different outcome.
I don’t know the perfect balance between anticipating what’s ahead and appreciating what we have right now, but I’m sure we can find it. We’ve made it this far in the process, dear senior, and I have faith.
In the meantime, I’ll try to stay in the present. There’s a lot to look forward to, but even more to enjoy now.
Almost there,
Abby
