This story brings celebrity crushes to a whole new level. On Oct. 8, high school student Cole H. Tuishin, a self-proclaimed diehard fan of the College Board, allegedly removed and sold his left kidney in order to pay for his 20th reassessment of the SAT II Biology exam. He was unwilling to disclose the method of removal.

The sum of his expenditure on the College Board exceeded 900 dollars. This included AP exam fees, SAT I exam fees, SAT II exam fees, and numerous other random expenses that College Board makes people pay for no apparent reason.

“When I heard the news that SAT exams were being canceled because of COVID-19, I couldn’t sleep at night,“ Cole said breathlessly. “I mean, I’ve already taken it six times, but a tenth time can’t hurt, right?”

He then proudly displayed to us his AP Scholar Award, the award that 110% of students get. It was just one part of his College Board shrine in the corner of his room.

Earlier in the week, said fanatic was reportedly seen kissing the pavement in front of the College Board Western Regional Office located in Los Angeles, California. When confronted about the incident, he refused to make eye contact before muttering something about “people butting their noses in my damn business”.

According to Dr. Price, this student is the perfect example of a classic case of Stockholm syndrome. “He’s been held captive too long by the promises of Harvard and Yale. It begins to break down the psyche and he establishes a bond between himself and his captor.”

Our best wishes go to Cole and his loved ones.