Day 1: An industrial sized box of tissues and a punching bag. It’s high school, you’ll probably need at least one of these things at some point.
Day 2: Make your friends trendy by giving them a makeover. Convert them into an e-boy/vsco-girl, complete with eyeliner hearts and dark, edgy clothes.
Day 3: Save your breath and buy a friend some breath mints as well as book dental appointments for the next few decades for them. Give the gift of brutal honesty this holiday season.
Day 4: Know any Star Wars fans? Get them an authentic Baby Yoda! Just head to LA and sneak onto the set of The Mandalorian. Since Baby Yoda can’t talk, it should be easy enough to sneak him home like E.T. in the flying bike.
Day 5: Give your friends the gift of a perfect SAT score by giving millions of dollars to College Board to snag that sweet 1600. If Lori Loughlin can do it, so can you!
Day 6: You know that one dusty candle your mom saved from four years ago that you’ve stored in the back of your closet? Well, here’s the year to finally get rid of it. Even if the glass is cracked, the label has peeled off the edges, and it smells like mothballs, just re-gift it to a teacher or a distant relative you barely know. Also, watch Saturday Night Live’s sketch “The Christmas Candle” for more inspiration.
Day 7: Get into the mindset of a boomer, and for the holidays get your friends a sweater with a boomer’s face on it! It’s not like they’ve worn the other sweater you got them last year exactly zero times, and it’s not like they’re going to be bombarded with other sweaters from their out-of touch relatives, so you’re all good!
Day 8: Those overdue books from the library that you still haven’t returned since sixth grade — Give your friends that old, tattered copy of Twilight from your weird phase in middle school. When they’re done reading that high-quality work of fiction, they’ll love paying $400 in fines!
Day 9: Nothing says “this is completely useless” quite like a generic holiday card. No one really needs a folded piece of cardstock saying “‘Tis the Season,” right? Include an awkward family photo in the envelope for an added bonus. Stick an expired candy cane with it for bonus points.
Day 9: Is your friend a huge fan of a certain singer or band? Go one step further than basic band merchandise by buying the rights to all of their music. Your friend can become a number one fan by owning their favorite artist’s masters! It may cause angry fans to rage on you, and you’ll be millions in debt, but the artist can always re-record their old albums within the next decade!
Day 10: Remember back in 2016 when you were actually friends with someone? Well, this season, wrap them a large, empty cardboard box and hope that they’ll get the hint. Stick a small clown sticker in the middle to bring back the memories. Throw in a slap for good measure.
Day 11: It’s past horror season, but Stranger Things never goes out of season! Stalk Millie Bobbie Brown and follow Eleven to her secret stash of Eggos. If you dress up like Drake, it surely shouldn’t be that hard to find her. Each box has 72 waffles, but have no fear; your friend will surely eat them all to “prove” their love for the show and Eleven!
Day 12: It’s Dec. 25, and you realize that there’s one friend you’ve overlooked. Drowning in guilt, you realize that you salvage your friendship. Here’s the solution: Dig through your first grade drawings until you reach your diagram of a time machine. Build it after a spontaneous visit to Home Depot, and buy your friend the iPhone 3,000 (and steal one for yourself). You can save yourself money in the future and your friendship. Problem solved!